Running for My Life

Running a few miles has always been a symbol of strength and great health for me, of overcoming painful limitations. After chronic pain from multiple car accidents, each recovery was checked off as I reached the 2, 3, 6 mile marks with a smile and a fist pump in the air. Each winter hibernation ended with a trusty 2 mile reunion with my body. I am that weirdo on the hamster wheel (treadmill, whatever) with a big, goofy grin as I sweat because to me running is freedom. It means that my body is strong and free and that makes me happy, even as I grunt, drool, and wheeze through that last quarter mile.

I was feeling stronger than ever, healthy and free and light. Until the Really Bad Stuff happened. I entered a dark time of anger with my body, surgeries, recoveries, and tears. I was stripped of my power and crippled with fear and panic. I kept telling myself I was okay, telling family and friends "I'm fine, drop it."

Looking back, I can now see that I was not fine. I was muddling in molasses, the dark time lasting 2.5 years. I would panic on the way to yoga class and drive home. I would plan to run and then simply run in the opposite direction of the gym, hiding on the couch. My body and personal power grew weaker and weaker, making the thought of ever running again increasingly overwhelming.

When I showed up for my first day of personal training, the fear was heavy in my gut. I felt like it could actually kill me if I walked through the door. I took a deep breath. I did it anyways. I vowed that I would just show up, I would see what was hiding deep inside me, and I would pray the angel of death to pass over me as I held plank pose for what seemed like forever.

About 6 weeks since I walked through that door, I am changed. The hope is settling in that even if I'm still not completely okay, that I can and will be more than okay soon. The promise of power is coursing through me, prana flowing as I just keep breathing.

(Cue Chariots of Fire)

Last week, I just kind of felt like running 2 miles after a pretty challenging yoga class. So I did. Then, this past weekend I thought I'd just see if I might be ready for a 5K this coming weekend by going for the 3 mile run. If you're not a yogi, this may sound crazy to you, but I even patted my body, thanking it for the strength, loving it for all of its miraculous glory. And then the impossible happened. Sweating, wiping snot from my nose with my sleeve, wheezing, grunting, gasping, I just kept going. 2.75 miles and I sped up, letting my legs fly out in huge strides of freedom.

3 miles!

If the other gym members knew what that moment meant (instead of thinking how gross that she wiped her nose with her sleeve), they would have been cheering. If my life were a movie, it would be a major scene in the comeback montage. My life is not a movie, so instead it was just the goofy smile as the tears snuck out of the corners of my eyes and the feeling gently washed over me that I might finally be okay again, stronger even.

It's more than "working out." It's showing up, facing my fears and weaknesses over and over again and proving to myself that I'm so much stronger than I knew. That I have, and always will, overcome. Just breathing, healing, showing up, running it off, letting it go. Letting it go. Letting me grow.

Consciousness Cleansing

Recently, I’ve started a 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse by Debbie Ford.  I am only on the second day and I feel peaceful but strong, with an increasing sense of purpose. 

One thing that I already find profoundly different is the quiet strength that comes from avoiding the media.  According to the book, social media like Facebook can lead to comparing yourself to others, instead of looking within to focus on your own path.  Everyone’s path is definitively unique to them and their dreams, so why would I look to measure my success based on another’s pictures, postings, life events?  I didn’t even realize I was doing this until I stopped.  Even after two days, I can feel my self-confidence increasing, as well as faith in my own journey.

I’ve also been drastically limiting television, especially programs that are violent or stressful.  A favorite reading of mine by Thich Nhat Hanh in Peace is Every Step says,

“Watching a bad TV program, we become the TV program.  We are what we feel and perceive…  We can be anything we want, so why do we open our windows to bad TV programs made by sensationalist producers in search of easy money, programs that make our hearts pound, our fists tighten, and leave us exhausted?  Who allows such TV programs to be made and seen by even the very young?  We do!  We are too undemanding, too ready to watch whatever is on the screen, too lonely, lazy, or bored to create our own lives.  We turn on the TV and leave it on, allowing someone else to guide us, shape us, and destroy us.  Losing ourselves in this way is leaving our fate in the hands of others who may not be acting responsibly.”

My husband isn’t exactly thrilled about this, as we just started watching Breaking Bad and I’ve requested we put it on hold for a little while.  Luckily, he’s very supportive and understanding, though, so I’m optimistic that my marriage will survive the turn from daily time staring at the TV together for hours as lumps on the couch.  I’m hoping we can get outside a bit more and find some delight in nature before it gets too cold here in Ohio. 

I’m hoping to come through this cleanse as a Best-Selling Author, successful new business owner (more on that later), and Overall Better Person.  A skinny one.  Oh right, it’s not that kind of cleanse this time.  OK, so really I’d like to be more peaceful and powerful in my own life.  Wish me luck!

A Wink from the Sun - Being Present

It’s a grey and rainy day and I’m looking at the dashboard clock.  Traffic is heavier than usual and I’m driving in haste, replaying the busy of the day and cringing a bit as I race along.

Suddenly, I realize that the sun is setting a bit later as a shimmering strip of bright pink spills out over the dark gray cloud.  The surprising streak lights its way through a tiny corner of the sky, winking hello and intimating sunshine’s return.  I could have so easily missed that flirty, subtle slip of pink with its promise of hope, color, and warmth to come.  What if I had been focused on the cars in front of me and the gloomy pall cast over buildings for my whole drive?

It makes me wonder what else I’ve missed.  How many times have there been tiny, bright streaks of sunshine while I’m watching the road and whining about the busy?  How many beautiful but brief moments of gratitude have passed me by?

That little moment filled my heart with joyful expectation that the warming season is coming, that life and days won’t always be so gray. 

Just as we breathe through the tougher seasons of life, just as we dream of summer’s warmth on our shoulders, the sun waits.  It’s not gone.  We just can’t see its whole face yet. 

I pray for the freedom of heart to stay focused on the beauty of life, on the richness that hides quietly inside this present moment.

Grateful

I am grateful to be on this new path of peace and healing.

According to The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, when you are on the frequency of following your true path – doing what you are meant to do - the way should be easy, effortless.  Opportunities appear that are pleasant because they are meant for you.

One opportunity that opened up is babysitting once or twice a week for a really nice family.  The three -year -old girl and six -year-old boy are bright, sweet, and adorable.  Last week, they were down for their naps and I sat on the back porch – sun on my shoulders, looking out at the lake and thinking, “This is my new job.  This is my new life.”  They pay me the same that I was making at my corporate job.  I could have been sitting in an office, forcing myself through my day.  Instead, I was playing with children and sitting in sunshine.

My largest expenditure that I felt unable to sacrifice was yoga.  Miraculously, help was needed at the studio, so I am now trading my time helping at the front desk for free yoga.  And I love working there because it’s something I believe in, a place that I truly care about and love to nurture.

Same with being at home.  As an introvert, I love the opportunity to spend the day by myself, thinking, writing, nurturing my home and my family.  I can honestly say that I’ve found so much joy in being home – in caring for my household, having time to do thoughtful things for my husband, cooking lovely, healthy meals, and helping with the family business - our rental properties.

All of these beautiful opportunities presented themselves because I was open, because I was searching for a way to truly be me.  And most importantly, because I believed that I would be guided with all of my heart.  It is the life that I visualized for many years.  And it was up to me to take the first step – all this time.

Faith

So, I’m managing the budget to see what can go.  I’m working as a part-time nanny and have flirted a little with secret shopping, though that’s not making me rich just yet.  I’ve even sold some stuff on eBay, but accidentally paid some people to take my stuff by charging too little on shipping!  Yep, here’s my stuff.  Please take it!  Here’s money!  Ahhh… a learning experience.

Yes, the bills are coming, but I have faith that it will all work out.  I know that I am being guided, pushed to this path and even though I’m hustling all over the place to make ends meet, I feel free.  I feel light.  I have been relying on my own creative ideas and my own skills for the first time in my life.  I am the manager of my day.  Since leaving my job, I feel more open and fresh; creative ideas are flooding in!