Breaking the Rules of Fear

I didn't really notice this until now, but I have always had a lot of rules about under what conditions I will do things. For instance, to run outside it must be 60-75 degrees and sunny. To practice yoga, I need at least to be able to put my arms out without touching someone else. Otherwise, I'd try to sneak out the door when no one was looking or I would decide not to enjoy the practice (I know! It's so un-yogic.)

Lately, the universe has been breaking my rules.

What could be cooler than a yoga class with black lights, glow sticks, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and The Wizard of Oz? My husband, Vida, even agreed to come along. According to his rules, these unconventional classes are the only way I can get him to yoga. We were discussing on the way what we expected from the class. Of course, there would be lots of slow and gentle movement so that we could watch the movie and enjoy the fun. I was just hoping it would not be too gentle as it counted for my workout for the day.

When we walked into the room, I had to reign in my panic as at least 40 yogis were packed wall to wall with their mats touching. The MATS WERE TOUCHING. Not only could I not spread my arms, I would actually have to share breathing space. If Vida weren't there, I probably would have run. You know, a gentle, sneaky, graceful yogi sprint.

As I looked around at all the rippling muscles and flat abs, realizing that I was probably the heaviest person in the class, I also noticed that the room was unusually warm. On purpose. Hot air was gushing from the vents. I said "uh oh" and explained to Vida that this just might be "hot yoga," meaning it would likely be a little more of a workout than we anticipated. I planted myself on my mat, trying to burrow underground in my mind, and just kept breathing, deciding to ride this out, mentally chaining myself so my body wouldn't betray me and start running.

"Hey yogis, please skooch a little closer, we need to fit five more people in,"cooed the lithe, supermodel yoga teacher.

I wanted to scream, "MY RULES ARE BEING BROKEN! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!" as I improved my mile time on the journey out. Instead I mentally crawled under my mat and hung on.

The class was immediately challenging as the pace picked up and the postures grew harder and faster. I was surprised to find that I loved it. Sharing the breathing space with the others, feeling the energy in the room pick up, knowing that all those fit people were sweating and breathing hard just like me. I felt strong, graceful. Just when I thought it was winding down and my muscles were shaking, it just kept going and going. FOR TWO HOURS. Later, the teacher commented, "Oh, that was the extended version of the movie, I didn't know that." Another surprise for all of us from the universe. There were even times where we had to "put your hand on your neighbors back for balance" and even hold hands - an absolute breaking of my yoga personal space rule. But it was great.

Finally, completely spent in savasana on the mat, I smiled and sent prayers of gratitude, glowing with amaizngness when a completely unexpected version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow played, sung by my favorite artist, Tori Amos. It was perfection. And I lost two pounds overnight.

 

If I had followed my rules, I would have missed out on this completely.

Later the same weekend, Vida and I were registered to run a 5K at the local high school. I had been vigilantly checking the weather, dismayed that it would be only 42 degrees. Way below my threshold and colder than I've ever run in, but I decided it would be okay.

When we woke up, it was 23 degrees instead. "Nope." I said, "there's no way this is happening." I remembered my doctor telling me at age 10 never to go outside without a scarf over my mouth under 40 degrees because it was bad for my sinuses. I imagined the razor-cold air forcing me into immediate pneumonia. What normal human being would do this? No one would fault me for backing out, I didn't HAVE to do this, I hadn't even told many people about it. My world would not be adversely affected except for having to do my planned 3 miles on the boring treadmill.

Vida started playing Rocky music and telling me that "Rocky didn't worry how cold it was while running over mountains in Russia." I looked at him like he'd just asked me to try a bite of a fluffy bunny and said rather eloquently that I "didn't give an F what Rocky would do," I could be warm in my bed. But I couldn't get back under the covers. For one, Vida looked like he was going to the race that was my idea without me. But also, there was something inside me that wasn't actually going to let me out of it. So I got dressed.

When we arrived, everyone seemed to be a high school student or an athlete. I again realized that "normal people" don't run races in frigid temperatures. The fear came that everyone would be faster and I would be running alone and get lost on the course. Again that I would die from breathing icicles. The race director cautioned us all to watch our step for ICE. But I decided to just start running and not stop and not worry about anything else.

Immediately upon starting, breathing ice cold air sucked. It hurt. My nose started dripping uncontrollably (thank God for gloves and long sleeves.) Seemingly everyone did run past me, continuously. My headphones broke and I could hardly hear Eye of the Tiger. But I just kept going. Eventually, I got used to the air and the snot stream. I found my steady pace and even passed a walker or two (who later passed again when they sped up.) Vida had been in a heat behind me and he eventually pulled up beside me, again making me consider that I might be the slowest person who ever ran. Together we put one foot in front of the other, chasing the teenagers and rasping on ice. My legs wanted to stop, but we charged into the stadium, finally making the last lap to finish.

Not my most glamorous finish...

It was my worst time ever, by about 2 1/2 minutes. It was cold. It hurt. But I cried with pride and joy at facing my rule-breakers and winning against my fears. And also, coming back to race after nearly 3 years of not running. It can only get better.

So I've found that there is joy in breaking the rules. There is pride in digging way deeper than my comfort zone and discovering pieces of myself that are way stronger than I ever imagined.
I will no longer let fear make my decisions for me. Bring it on!

Day 20: Alishineyas, Warriors, and Ever-loving Illumination

Alishineya (ael-i-shin-ey-a): A woman waking up to her true power, her light; unearthing the divine journey of her soul.
Ex. I have been blessed to know many strong alisheneyas who have shined the light for me to notice that I, too, am exquisitely alive.

Alishen (ael-ee-shen): The male equivalent.

Today I was assigned a writing project to invent a new word and use it. I thought about how the word "warrior" really isn't used regularly for women. I love the word "bodhisattva." This word is not made up. It's a Buddhist word: "those who train whole-heartedly in awakening unconditional and relative bodhichitta are called bodhisattvas or warriors- not warriors who kill and harm but warriors of nonaggression who hear the cries of the world." Bodhichitta is basically strong mindfulness without fear or judgment and the "ability to keep our hearts and minds open without shutting down" according to Pema Chodron in The Places that Scare You.

As this 21-day cleanse is coming to a close, I've noticed more than ever the strong tie between body, mind, and spirit, even in focusing simply on the diet and what we choose to consume.

This cleanse has re-awakened my Spirit; it has settled into my heart. By loving myself enough to make the right food choices for me, I feel happier, lighter, more free.

Even my choices at the grocery store lift me up. Now I do my best to support companies that are trying to nourish us instead of contributing to those who fill their pockets, then fill their products with sugar and concentrated, over-processed starch, pointing at kids with diabetes and saying "exercise more." Or worse yet, the ones treating animals in a way that they could never fathom being treated.

Yes, there was a bit of frustration, anger, ranting on my part. For a moment, I wanted to get my sword and go to war. But I love the idea of keeping "our hearts and minds open without shutting down." When I was vegan before, I rather made a point to tell everyone what they are eating, all the time. I felt so passionately it was hard to watch people eat. But being so one-sided can lead others to shut down. Our hearts must be ready, too. This time, this cleanse, I committed body, mind, heart, and soul and it's made such a difference. I know that I tread more lightly upon the earth and my heart smiles.

Making such kind and gentle choices for myself and for the world can't help but trickle into other areas of my life, awakening new parts of the spiritual journey.

There are alishineyas everywhere. There's my friend Lisa, who is following her dream to move to Costa Rica. The many brave entrepreneurs in the community, risking everything, working lonely hours to make their dreams come true. The yoga teachers who share the light, many in their "free time" after full time jobs. There's my sister, Amy, who pours her whole self not only into teaching young children, but also into tirelessly supporting and inspiring other teachers, then going home to bathe her toddler in endless love and attention.

To everyone who is living with their eyes open, to everyone who pours their entire being into their lives, into serving others, into honoring themselves, you inspire me to be better. To the alisheneyas and alishens- thank you for joining me for however many footsteps along the journey. As your path is illuminated, gently, lovingly, let's shine light into the darkened spots and lonely hearts of the world so others may find the way.

The Power of a Purple Skirt

Suddenly, I noticed the slew of questions I’ve always asked before getting dressed each day: “What will others be wearing?” “What is appropriate for this event/this place?” “What will I be expected to wear?”  This lulled me into wearing the standby black pants haunting me from my corporate attire nearly everywhere.  I would throw on the same rotating outfits for the past – wow – probably 5 years.  I actually thought that I was thinking about what I wanted to wear.

Yesterday was a wardrobe revolution filled with new questions: I asked my body how it wanted to be draped, inquired what would make my spirit soar.  Putting on my beautiful, flowing purple skirt with a t-shirt, I set out for work and for the day. 

My purple skirt twirled me through the day and wrapped me in joy.  Living in each moment, I breathed in spring blossom trees everywhere, plopped down in the grass on a blanket with a book, felt the soft skirt against my legs while it danced in the breeze.

I’d never before noticed this internal dialogue and the way it was limiting me.  From now on, I am asking ME what to wear.  I will consider more than color, more than black cotton pants or jeans? The last time I dressed authentically on a regular basis was in 5th grade, resulting in lots of fluorescent colors and mismatching, ruffles and skirts with tennis shoes.  Look out world, my creative spirit is in charge of my wardrobe again!

A Wink from the Sun - Being Present

It’s a grey and rainy day and I’m looking at the dashboard clock.  Traffic is heavier than usual and I’m driving in haste, replaying the busy of the day and cringing a bit as I race along.

Suddenly, I realize that the sun is setting a bit later as a shimmering strip of bright pink spills out over the dark gray cloud.  The surprising streak lights its way through a tiny corner of the sky, winking hello and intimating sunshine’s return.  I could have so easily missed that flirty, subtle slip of pink with its promise of hope, color, and warmth to come.  What if I had been focused on the cars in front of me and the gloomy pall cast over buildings for my whole drive?

It makes me wonder what else I’ve missed.  How many times have there been tiny, bright streaks of sunshine while I’m watching the road and whining about the busy?  How many beautiful but brief moments of gratitude have passed me by?

That little moment filled my heart with joyful expectation that the warming season is coming, that life and days won’t always be so gray. 

Just as we breathe through the tougher seasons of life, just as we dream of summer’s warmth on our shoulders, the sun waits.  It’s not gone.  We just can’t see its whole face yet. 

I pray for the freedom of heart to stay focused on the beauty of life, on the richness that hides quietly inside this present moment.

Day 13 - Get Silly and Make Some Soup (from Scratch!)

This cleanse and the lifestyle changes it embodies, are meant to inspire a “joy of living, not fear of dying.”  Not only do we hope to live longer, but also to live better.

Now you’ve been on the cleanse long enough to stop thinking about it so intensely and have a little fun.  Today, spend as little time as possible thinking about the cleanse.  For today, dismiss the advice and warnings and stop thinking about the things you are not eating.  Instead, get excited about what delicious meals you will have today.

Hopefully, you’ve been spending some extra time on yourself to rest.  Now, spend a little more time on FUN and get a little silly.

In our busy lives, it’s easy to feel guilty when giving time to ourselves.  But we are no good to anyone else when depleted.  What’s left to give when you’re pushing so hard?

Kathy writes, “By taking fun seriously, we regain a quality of innocence.  We shake out leftover tensions, and get our minds off the heavier subjects of life.”

Today, take some time to watch a funny movie, run around outside with your dog, play MarioKart, dance and flail wildly to your favorite song.

Anyone who has ever seen me when “I Like It” by Enrique Iglesias is playing knows what I do to let loose in my living room.  I flail like a marionette with a drunk puppeteer.  And I giggle the whole time.  And it feels great!  Yes, a little embarrassing, I’m not sure why that’s the song that does it for me.  But if you haven’t already, find the song that makes you silly, giggly, and provides a surge of energy.  It’s great after a long day to dance with abandon!

Kathy suggests making a list of your 7 favorite things to do and try to slot one in each day for the next week.  Even if it has to be 5 minutes, the smile on your face and lightness in your heart will brighten the rest of your day.

“When we get silly, we feel the weight of our responsibilities slipping away and we feel free,” according to Kathy (and I agree emphatically.)

If you promise not to laugh, I will share some of the silly things I have done to assist you in case you’re having trouble getting started: 

• I have a Little Mermaid coloring book.  I color with crayons.  It’s very soothing and still as fun as ever.
• Sometimes I play dress up.  Like wearing my wedding dress to knight my cat as the queen of my domain.  It’s on video.  True story.  And it was not on Halloween.
• Occasionally, my husband and I drink tea in our fancy china teacups with saucers while playing scrabble and speaking in British accents. 

So as you can see, I’m kind of an authority on silliness…but it really does make me feel free, joyful, and innocent.  It helps me to be grounded in the moment, enjoying life in my own little world.

Today’s Meditation:

“I am happy, and I am free!  I rejoice in my innocence and celebrate the gift of life.  No matter what is going on, I can laugh.  I can be silly.  This levity makes my spirit soar.  I am happy, right now, and I am free!”

If you love being in your kitchen and cooking, this will be a great weekend recipe for you.  Whenever possible, I like to make my own vegetable soup stock.  If you don’t have the time to make the stock, you can use canned vegetable broth to make this soup, but it feels very empowering to make the entire meal from scratch!  It’s healthier for you, too. 

It’s not that it’s so long that you are cooking, but it’s a lot of chopping and you need to be near the kitchen to stir for some time.

Please note:  While I’m chopping up the ingredients for the stock, I like to dice the ingredients for the soup, too, and put into a container in the fridge as long as I’m making it in the next 24 hours.  This way, you get all the chopping done at once.

Laura’s Comforting & Sweet Vegetable Soup

For the vegetable stock (if using pre-made broth, skip this step)

1 TB olive oil

1 large onion – red is great, sweet is too, skin washed and saved – chopped large

3-4 large stalks celery + some leaves, chopped large

3-4 large carrots, chopped in large chunks

1 yellow bell pepper, chopped in large chunks

2 leeks, chopped large

1 red or yellow apple, washed well, core & seeds removed, chopped into quarters (this gives the stock sweetness)

3 cloves garlic, chopped large

1-2 tomatoes, diced large (you can use a can of diced tomatoes, too)

1 pattypan or ½ butternut squash, chopped large and seeds reserved

½ sweet potato, diced large

8 cups water

Spices:

1 TB garlic powder

½ tsp turmeric

1 tsp marjoram

Fresh pepper

2-3 Fresh rosemary sprigs

1. Heat the olive oil on medium.  Add the onions and cook for 2 minutes.  Add the carrots and celery and cook for another 3 minutes.  Add the pepper, leeks, squash, sweet potato, spices and garlic.  Cook for one minute, then add the tomatoes, water, onion peel, and apple.

 

2. Bring to a boil, then reduce to very low.  Cover and simmer, stirring often.

3. Cook for 1.5 to 2 hours, until carrots are soft and all veggies are falling apart.

4. Strain into a large bowl, a little bit at a time.

A tip on the stock:  You can really throw in any veggies that you have and are in the mood to eat.  Try not to use too many green ones besides the celery and leeks, though, as it can make the stock bitter.  The onion skin gives the broth good color and richness.  The apple is important for sweetness without sugar (but don’t use a green apple).

(Pattypan squash, in case you were wondering)                   (Mmmm, homemade broth)

Now you can start making the soup (or refrigerate for later use – will last one week.)

For the soup:

1 TB olive oil

½ large onion, diced

3 large carrots, diced

3-4 stalks of celery, including heart and leaves from heart, diced small

5 cloves garlic, diced small

1 jalapeno or Serrano pepper, diced small

½ yellow bell pepper, diced small

½ sweet potato, diced into bite-sized chunks

1 pattypan squash or ½ butternut squash, diced into bite-sized chunks

1 tomato

¾ cup red lentils

¼ cup gluten free soup noodles (I used annelini from corn)

Spices:

½ cup parsley – fresh and chopped- plus 2 TB for just before serving

1 tsp marjoram

1 TB garlic powder

1 Bay leaf

1 TB oregano

1 TB Kapha Surya mix (mixture of turmeric, cinnamon, coriander, ginger, and mustard.  Amazing in soups and anything with rice, lentils, and/or sweet potatoes: http://store.chopra.com/productinfo.asp?item=427)

1. Heat the olive oil on medium in a large stock pot.  Add the onion and sauté for 2 minutes.  Add the carrots and celery – sauté for 3 minutes.  Add bell pepper & jalapeno or Serrano, stir.  Add sweet potato, squash, lentils, and garlic, stir.  Add spices, then tomato and stir.  Now ladle in the vegetable stock (you can use 6 cups if you want to save some for making rice or anything else later.)

2.  Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to very low.  Cover and simmer for 45 minutes.  Add the soup noodles and about 2 teaspoons of salt, along with some fresh pepper.  Simmer another 20-30 minutes.  Taste and check if you need to add more salt.

3. Serve sprinkled with fresh parsley, along with salt and pepper to taste.

Note:  Since I had the seeds from the squash, I cleaned them and roasted them in the oven with a spray of olive oil and a sprinkling of salt & garlic powder.  Then I topped the soup with the toasted seeds, too.  Delicious!

You can make any variation of this soup with veggies you need to use up or to suit your mood.  I’ve used zucchini, yellow squash, black beans, green lentils, and regular potatoes.   The beans really change the flavor, but are good when you’re in the mood for them.

I hope you enjoy this nice, homemade recipe!

Prana, Freedom, and Dandelion Wine

Between healthy eating, exercise, and solar yoga, which focuses on the power of the sun, energy is coursing through me.  In yoga, it’s called prana (meaning “vital life” in Sanskrit.)  It is the healing energy and life-sustaining force that flows through your breath.  In a yoga class yesterday, I swear to you, I felt electricity in my fingertips and flowing out of the top of my head.  It feels like freedom, light, and power.

I just began reading Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine as a hello to summer and a tribute to one of my favorite authors, who just passed away last week.

(Maybe not so) coincidentally, the passage I was reading yesterday ties perfectly:

     “I’m alive, he thought…

The grass whispered under his body.  He put his arm down, feeling the sheath of fuzz on it, and, far away, below, his toes creaking in his shoes.  The world slipped bright over the glassy round of his eyeballs like images sparked in a crystal sphere.  Flowers were sun and fiery spots of sky strewn through the woodland…  His breath raked over his teeth, going in ice, coming out fire… Ten thousand individual hairs grew a millionth of an inch on his head…The million pores on his body opened.

I’m really alive!  he thought.  I never knew it before, or if I did I don’t remember!”

There is vibrant energy and power inside each of us and if we are busily rushing through life and focusing on material things and worries, we could miss it entirely, except perhaps in the glimpses of greatness of a revelatory moment.  Slow down!  Don’t miss this!

I ask you, as Bradbury’s main character asks, “does everyone in the world…know [s]he’s alive?”