Breaking the Rules of Fear

I didn't really notice this until now, but I have always had a lot of rules about under what conditions I will do things. For instance, to run outside it must be 60-75 degrees and sunny. To practice yoga, I need at least to be able to put my arms out without touching someone else. Otherwise, I'd try to sneak out the door when no one was looking or I would decide not to enjoy the practice (I know! It's so un-yogic.)

Lately, the universe has been breaking my rules.

What could be cooler than a yoga class with black lights, glow sticks, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and The Wizard of Oz? My husband, Vida, even agreed to come along. According to his rules, these unconventional classes are the only way I can get him to yoga. We were discussing on the way what we expected from the class. Of course, there would be lots of slow and gentle movement so that we could watch the movie and enjoy the fun. I was just hoping it would not be too gentle as it counted for my workout for the day.

When we walked into the room, I had to reign in my panic as at least 40 yogis were packed wall to wall with their mats touching. The MATS WERE TOUCHING. Not only could I not spread my arms, I would actually have to share breathing space. If Vida weren't there, I probably would have run. You know, a gentle, sneaky, graceful yogi sprint.

As I looked around at all the rippling muscles and flat abs, realizing that I was probably the heaviest person in the class, I also noticed that the room was unusually warm. On purpose. Hot air was gushing from the vents. I said "uh oh" and explained to Vida that this just might be "hot yoga," meaning it would likely be a little more of a workout than we anticipated. I planted myself on my mat, trying to burrow underground in my mind, and just kept breathing, deciding to ride this out, mentally chaining myself so my body wouldn't betray me and start running.

"Hey yogis, please skooch a little closer, we need to fit five more people in,"cooed the lithe, supermodel yoga teacher.

I wanted to scream, "MY RULES ARE BEING BROKEN! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!" as I improved my mile time on the journey out. Instead I mentally crawled under my mat and hung on.

The class was immediately challenging as the pace picked up and the postures grew harder and faster. I was surprised to find that I loved it. Sharing the breathing space with the others, feeling the energy in the room pick up, knowing that all those fit people were sweating and breathing hard just like me. I felt strong, graceful. Just when I thought it was winding down and my muscles were shaking, it just kept going and going. FOR TWO HOURS. Later, the teacher commented, "Oh, that was the extended version of the movie, I didn't know that." Another surprise for all of us from the universe. There were even times where we had to "put your hand on your neighbors back for balance" and even hold hands - an absolute breaking of my yoga personal space rule. But it was great.

Finally, completely spent in savasana on the mat, I smiled and sent prayers of gratitude, glowing with amaizngness when a completely unexpected version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow played, sung by my favorite artist, Tori Amos. It was perfection. And I lost two pounds overnight.

 

If I had followed my rules, I would have missed out on this completely.

Later the same weekend, Vida and I were registered to run a 5K at the local high school. I had been vigilantly checking the weather, dismayed that it would be only 42 degrees. Way below my threshold and colder than I've ever run in, but I decided it would be okay.

When we woke up, it was 23 degrees instead. "Nope." I said, "there's no way this is happening." I remembered my doctor telling me at age 10 never to go outside without a scarf over my mouth under 40 degrees because it was bad for my sinuses. I imagined the razor-cold air forcing me into immediate pneumonia. What normal human being would do this? No one would fault me for backing out, I didn't HAVE to do this, I hadn't even told many people about it. My world would not be adversely affected except for having to do my planned 3 miles on the boring treadmill.

Vida started playing Rocky music and telling me that "Rocky didn't worry how cold it was while running over mountains in Russia." I looked at him like he'd just asked me to try a bite of a fluffy bunny and said rather eloquently that I "didn't give an F what Rocky would do," I could be warm in my bed. But I couldn't get back under the covers. For one, Vida looked like he was going to the race that was my idea without me. But also, there was something inside me that wasn't actually going to let me out of it. So I got dressed.

When we arrived, everyone seemed to be a high school student or an athlete. I again realized that "normal people" don't run races in frigid temperatures. The fear came that everyone would be faster and I would be running alone and get lost on the course. Again that I would die from breathing icicles. The race director cautioned us all to watch our step for ICE. But I decided to just start running and not stop and not worry about anything else.

Immediately upon starting, breathing ice cold air sucked. It hurt. My nose started dripping uncontrollably (thank God for gloves and long sleeves.) Seemingly everyone did run past me, continuously. My headphones broke and I could hardly hear Eye of the Tiger. But I just kept going. Eventually, I got used to the air and the snot stream. I found my steady pace and even passed a walker or two (who later passed again when they sped up.) Vida had been in a heat behind me and he eventually pulled up beside me, again making me consider that I might be the slowest person who ever ran. Together we put one foot in front of the other, chasing the teenagers and rasping on ice. My legs wanted to stop, but we charged into the stadium, finally making the last lap to finish.

Not my most glamorous finish...

It was my worst time ever, by about 2 1/2 minutes. It was cold. It hurt. But I cried with pride and joy at facing my rule-breakers and winning against my fears. And also, coming back to race after nearly 3 years of not running. It can only get better.

So I've found that there is joy in breaking the rules. There is pride in digging way deeper than my comfort zone and discovering pieces of myself that are way stronger than I ever imagined.
I will no longer let fear make my decisions for me. Bring it on!

Day 19- Let it Shine! (Free, Happy, Me)

Rockin' the purple hair.

 “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.” -Marianne Williamson

One thing that I love about a vegan lifestyle is that it's non-conforming. It’s a personal revolution and utter rebellion to say, “I will not buy into an industry that is cruel, does not care about my health, and is followed as a matter of convenience for most.” When you order your meal without meat and without cheese, you’ve probably already noticed some of the reactions. It’s confusion, raised eyebrows, sometimes even hostility – especially if you don’t live on the West Coast, USA. Now add gluten-free and watch heads explode, watch the eyes bug out like you just showed your scales.

Freston agrees, “Our challenge as humans is always to love the part of ourselves that is rejected and disowned. When we come to terms with the part of us that is vulnerable, we arrive at a deeper inner peace, and thus are able to act in the world a bit more peacefully.”

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in a restaurant and overheard a young woman saying, “I felt so emotional. I know, I told him. I’m so crazy!” This struck a chord with me as I remembered saying the same thing more times than I would like to admit. My heart moved for this girl. Why should we be labeled as "crazy" for letting ourselves emotionally react? For being ourselves? 

Why do we tuck these emotions, these eccentricities away? We are all unique, with differing needs, interests, bodies. Yet, our culture has groomed many of us into competitive versions of the same prototype. It makes us more apt to buy things, to stay in line by striving for sameness, constantly asking ourselves, “Is this okay? What will they think?”

“The system does not want us to know our own best selves, because if we do we then have no need to buy things that ‘they’ say are worthy and desirable. Satisfied people don’t buy as much stuff.” – The Minimalist Women’s Guide to Having it All

Let’s stop judging ourselves based on society’s imposed standards. How about judging based on our own heart’s standards? Or best yet, don’t judge yourself at all!

I am curvy. I don't have cable. I don’t eat animals. I talk to Angels and go to “church” in my prayers and meditations every day. Jeans are not my uniform. I use essential oils instead of running to the doctor. I work for myself. Totally weird? Not fitting into society? So? I’ve been exceedingly happier since realizing: It’s my choice how I live; what I wear, how to nourish my body, what’s important to me!  

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss

Dear Past Self,
What a treat. After yesterday’s post, I found this piece in the cleanse series and it feels like a hug from...myself. Thank you for this message!
Love,
Present self to me/Future self to you

A meditation:
“I am free and I am me! I rejoice in my innocence and celebrate the gift of life. I offer gratitude for that which makes me unique, the refreshing quirkiness that only I can offer the world. This levity makes my spirit soar. I am happy, right now, and I am free!”

Enter a quirky, lesser known grain called kasha (cracked buckwheat.) It has a very nutty, earthy taste and is amazing in this salad.

Dijon Brown Rice & Kasha Salad
½ cup kasha (prepared according to box)
½ cup brown rice (prepared according to box)
1 red bell pepper – diced
1 yellow bell pepper- diced
1 avocado – diced
3 green onions, sliced
1 large tomato, diced
½ cucumber, diced
½ cup walnuts (bite-sized pieces)

Dressing
¼ cup rice vinegar
½ TB Dijon mustard
1 tsp honey or maple syrup
½ tsp salt
½ tsp fresh ground pepper
2 cloves garlic- minced
¼ cup olive oil
(whisk together before pouring over salad)

Cook rice and kasha as directed on the package. Let cool for at least 1 hour. Add the rest of the ingredients. Pour dressing over the salad & mix well. Serve cold.

This serves about 8-10 people (or will make you tons of leftovers for lunches.) It’s great to bring to a family gathering and delicious. Someone always asks for the recipe. Enjoy!

Note: You can use any other veggies that you like, but the avocados, peppers, and nuts are very complimentary with the dressing. 

Still on that Quest

Yes, it’s been quite awhile. I’ve missed you and I hope that you’ve missed me. To be completely honest, my whole world was thrown off balance and I started asking myself, "Who am I to write about balance, wellness, health?" My typical effort to find balance means hurling myself face first into one thing or another with all of my passion and rather focused obsession.

The look of obvious balance and wellness as I gorge happily on "sladoled," Croatia's super-rich take on ice cream, to which I am horrendously, painfully, unequivocally allergic.

I've never been one of those people that you would use the word "moderate" about; it probably couldn't even enter your head if I was in the room. I was always that friend coaxing you to get the fully sugared caffeine drink, eat the chocolate, pretend the doughnut has no calories. Blow off the obligation and roll down a hill drunk with me instead. For my friends who understand the meaning of the word moderation, this is great for them- I help them find balance by indulging sometimes. But for me, it was life as usual. When reading, I'd always cheer along with the teenage character to follow their heart, always, and then I'd be shocked when everyone died in the end from the choices that had no regard for others. So here it is again. Balance.

Often, when we genuinely seek health, it’s like peeling back the layers of an onion. As one thing heals, another cries out for attention. So in my search for balance, first I found a whole lot of imbalance. A journey of healing is a very personal one. I was hiding in my chrysalis, hibernating, experiencing extreme metamorphosis and hanging on for dear life.

But you know what I forgot? I did not title the blog, "Advice from a Health Nut and Overall Perfect Person." No, it's called, "Shaking Free- a Quest for Balance." And I am still searching. I hope you're up for rejoining me on the very imperfect journey.

Consciousness Cleansing

Recently, I’ve started a 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse by Debbie Ford.  I am only on the second day and I feel peaceful but strong, with an increasing sense of purpose. 

One thing that I already find profoundly different is the quiet strength that comes from avoiding the media.  According to the book, social media like Facebook can lead to comparing yourself to others, instead of looking within to focus on your own path.  Everyone’s path is definitively unique to them and their dreams, so why would I look to measure my success based on another’s pictures, postings, life events?  I didn’t even realize I was doing this until I stopped.  Even after two days, I can feel my self-confidence increasing, as well as faith in my own journey.

I’ve also been drastically limiting television, especially programs that are violent or stressful.  A favorite reading of mine by Thich Nhat Hanh in Peace is Every Step says,

“Watching a bad TV program, we become the TV program.  We are what we feel and perceive…  We can be anything we want, so why do we open our windows to bad TV programs made by sensationalist producers in search of easy money, programs that make our hearts pound, our fists tighten, and leave us exhausted?  Who allows such TV programs to be made and seen by even the very young?  We do!  We are too undemanding, too ready to watch whatever is on the screen, too lonely, lazy, or bored to create our own lives.  We turn on the TV and leave it on, allowing someone else to guide us, shape us, and destroy us.  Losing ourselves in this way is leaving our fate in the hands of others who may not be acting responsibly.”

My husband isn’t exactly thrilled about this, as we just started watching Breaking Bad and I’ve requested we put it on hold for a little while.  Luckily, he’s very supportive and understanding, though, so I’m optimistic that my marriage will survive the turn from daily time staring at the TV together for hours as lumps on the couch.  I’m hoping we can get outside a bit more and find some delight in nature before it gets too cold here in Ohio. 

I’m hoping to come through this cleanse as a Best-Selling Author, successful new business owner (more on that later), and Overall Better Person.  A skinny one.  Oh right, it’s not that kind of cleanse this time.  OK, so really I’d like to be more peaceful and powerful in my own life.  Wish me luck!