Breaking the Rules of Fear

I didn't really notice this until now, but I have always had a lot of rules about under what conditions I will do things. For instance, to run outside it must be 60-75 degrees and sunny. To practice yoga, I need at least to be able to put my arms out without touching someone else. Otherwise, I'd try to sneak out the door when no one was looking or I would decide not to enjoy the practice (I know! It's so un-yogic.)

Lately, the universe has been breaking my rules.

What could be cooler than a yoga class with black lights, glow sticks, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and The Wizard of Oz? My husband, Vida, even agreed to come along. According to his rules, these unconventional classes are the only way I can get him to yoga. We were discussing on the way what we expected from the class. Of course, there would be lots of slow and gentle movement so that we could watch the movie and enjoy the fun. I was just hoping it would not be too gentle as it counted for my workout for the day.

When we walked into the room, I had to reign in my panic as at least 40 yogis were packed wall to wall with their mats touching. The MATS WERE TOUCHING. Not only could I not spread my arms, I would actually have to share breathing space. If Vida weren't there, I probably would have run. You know, a gentle, sneaky, graceful yogi sprint.

As I looked around at all the rippling muscles and flat abs, realizing that I was probably the heaviest person in the class, I also noticed that the room was unusually warm. On purpose. Hot air was gushing from the vents. I said "uh oh" and explained to Vida that this just might be "hot yoga," meaning it would likely be a little more of a workout than we anticipated. I planted myself on my mat, trying to burrow underground in my mind, and just kept breathing, deciding to ride this out, mentally chaining myself so my body wouldn't betray me and start running.

"Hey yogis, please skooch a little closer, we need to fit five more people in,"cooed the lithe, supermodel yoga teacher.

I wanted to scream, "MY RULES ARE BEING BROKEN! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!" as I improved my mile time on the journey out. Instead I mentally crawled under my mat and hung on.

The class was immediately challenging as the pace picked up and the postures grew harder and faster. I was surprised to find that I loved it. Sharing the breathing space with the others, feeling the energy in the room pick up, knowing that all those fit people were sweating and breathing hard just like me. I felt strong, graceful. Just when I thought it was winding down and my muscles were shaking, it just kept going and going. FOR TWO HOURS. Later, the teacher commented, "Oh, that was the extended version of the movie, I didn't know that." Another surprise for all of us from the universe. There were even times where we had to "put your hand on your neighbors back for balance" and even hold hands - an absolute breaking of my yoga personal space rule. But it was great.

Finally, completely spent in savasana on the mat, I smiled and sent prayers of gratitude, glowing with amaizngness when a completely unexpected version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow played, sung by my favorite artist, Tori Amos. It was perfection. And I lost two pounds overnight.

 

If I had followed my rules, I would have missed out on this completely.

Later the same weekend, Vida and I were registered to run a 5K at the local high school. I had been vigilantly checking the weather, dismayed that it would be only 42 degrees. Way below my threshold and colder than I've ever run in, but I decided it would be okay.

When we woke up, it was 23 degrees instead. "Nope." I said, "there's no way this is happening." I remembered my doctor telling me at age 10 never to go outside without a scarf over my mouth under 40 degrees because it was bad for my sinuses. I imagined the razor-cold air forcing me into immediate pneumonia. What normal human being would do this? No one would fault me for backing out, I didn't HAVE to do this, I hadn't even told many people about it. My world would not be adversely affected except for having to do my planned 3 miles on the boring treadmill.

Vida started playing Rocky music and telling me that "Rocky didn't worry how cold it was while running over mountains in Russia." I looked at him like he'd just asked me to try a bite of a fluffy bunny and said rather eloquently that I "didn't give an F what Rocky would do," I could be warm in my bed. But I couldn't get back under the covers. For one, Vida looked like he was going to the race that was my idea without me. But also, there was something inside me that wasn't actually going to let me out of it. So I got dressed.

When we arrived, everyone seemed to be a high school student or an athlete. I again realized that "normal people" don't run races in frigid temperatures. The fear came that everyone would be faster and I would be running alone and get lost on the course. Again that I would die from breathing icicles. The race director cautioned us all to watch our step for ICE. But I decided to just start running and not stop and not worry about anything else.

Immediately upon starting, breathing ice cold air sucked. It hurt. My nose started dripping uncontrollably (thank God for gloves and long sleeves.) Seemingly everyone did run past me, continuously. My headphones broke and I could hardly hear Eye of the Tiger. But I just kept going. Eventually, I got used to the air and the snot stream. I found my steady pace and even passed a walker or two (who later passed again when they sped up.) Vida had been in a heat behind me and he eventually pulled up beside me, again making me consider that I might be the slowest person who ever ran. Together we put one foot in front of the other, chasing the teenagers and rasping on ice. My legs wanted to stop, but we charged into the stadium, finally making the last lap to finish.

Not my most glamorous finish...

It was my worst time ever, by about 2 1/2 minutes. It was cold. It hurt. But I cried with pride and joy at facing my rule-breakers and winning against my fears. And also, coming back to race after nearly 3 years of not running. It can only get better.

So I've found that there is joy in breaking the rules. There is pride in digging way deeper than my comfort zone and discovering pieces of myself that are way stronger than I ever imagined.
I will no longer let fear make my decisions for me. Bring it on!

Day One- Powerfully Letting Go of Cravings

I hope you are feeling better than I am. My belated family Christmas was yesterday and seemed to be perfect timing to say goodbye to things like wine (I said goodbye to about 4 glasses), meat (in a parade of pretty much any way I could want it- I had to say goodbye to all the ways,) and of course every freakin' thing was cheesy (I told my aunt I ate so much cheese my eyeballs hurt.) And don't forget dessert! The way I feel today is reminding me exactly why I'm doing this cleanse. I want to truly find the BALANCE so I don't have to feel like this again.

As much as we might want to retreat, it is possible to fit this new way of eating into everyday life. Just today, I was reading a passage about yoga that also made me think about food. In Light on Life, B.K.S. Iyengar writes,

“Many associate yoga with a rejection of the world, its responsibilities, and commitments, and with extreme austerity leading even to self-mortification. But is not the greater challenge and greater fulfillment to be found living in the world with its tribulations and temptations, and at the same time to maintain both balance and self-control in the everyday life of a householder?”

 As good as it felt to just “be normal” and eat like everyone else, it also felt like physically hurting myself to appease others. The indulgence was delicious and felt good...for a very short time. Of course it's easier. And the more I read about food marketing, I find that it's confusing and exhausting on purpose. I'm tired of being called “picky.” I caved to the gluttony of yesterday and the stomachaches, the headaches, the lethargy of today. 

My goal in this cleanse is to flex my discipline muscles, learn what my body really needs, and eventually find the balance Iyengar speaks of in everyday life, even after the cleanse is over, even during family parties.

By now, your cravings might be talking to you a little bit. Maybe even more than a little. This is not a time to make big decisions or to have life-determining meetings. You might feel a little bit cranky as your addictions try to scream for your attention. Your body wants its fix(es)!

Right now we are eliminating our usual craving triggers as we break out of our habits of eating and ways of thinking (or not thinking) about food. We are more powerful than food, surely! If you feel a caffeine headache, just think about how strong you are to give up a substance that has such a powerful hold over you. After a few days, you will conquer it. Give yourself a little hug for being awesome.

To be honest, I thought something was wrong with me when I first gave up caffeine. Kathy Freston wrote that it would probably be a few days of headaches, but I had a full two weeks of excruciating headaches and feeling like I could fall asleep at any time. I was wading through molasses just to get through the day. Forget intelligent conversation. Forget exercise. I was wondering why I was doing it. But then… I started sleeping beautifully, deeply. The heightened sense of anxiety and irritability left me. I could have a kind conversation with my husband in the morning before drinking my coffee. I could even think creatively without coffee. What? It’s true.

The cravings and withdrawal will go away, I promise. Just wait until week 3! You’ll be feeling SO GOOD.

How would you like a delicious recipe that you can leave in the slow cooker and come home to a delicious, gluten-free, vegan meal? No animals were harmed in the making of this meal. Alcohol free, too! Mmmm.

"No Hurry Vegetable Curry"

1 Tablespoon peanut oil
2 large carrots, sliced on a diagonal
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 Tablespoons curry powder
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 large Yukon gold potatoes, peeled and sliced  (I will be using about 10 small red potatoes)
8 ounces green beans, ends trimmed
One can Chickpeas (Garbanzo beans) - 15 oz, drained and rinsed (or dry soaked overnight)
One can diced tomatoes, 14.5 oz.
2 cups vegetable stock
1/2 cup frozen green peas, thawed (or fresh snow peas)
1/2 cup canned unsweetened coconut milk
salt

1. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the carrots and onion, cover, and cook until softened, about 5 min. Add garlic, curry powder, coriander, and cayenne, stirring to coat.

2. Transfer the vegetable mixture to a slow cooker. Add the potatoes, green beans, chickpeas, tomatoes, and stock cover, and cook on Low for 6 to 8 hours.
(If not using a slow cooker - perhaps boil or bake the potatoes prior and add in the last 5 minutes of sauteeing. I would recommend cooking everything in a pan for about 1/2 hour so that the tomatoes can get less sour. Since there is not the benefit of the tomatoes mellowing for hours, you may want to add a bit of agave nectar or approved sweetener that is NOT sugar or artificial flavoring.)

3. Just before serving, stir in the peas and coconut milk and season with salt. Taste to adjust the seasonings.

Borrowed from: Fresh From the Vegetarian Slow Cooker

Caffeine's Catty Side and Lemony Lentil Soup

Once again, I’ve underestimated my old friend, caffeine.  What a sneaky frenemy.  She is so toxic!  No matter how nice she croons; begging me to take just one little sip, she’s just waiting to make me feel like crap again.  Bitch.

So, I caved for just a moment, thinking, “What harm would one little cup do?”  I was having breakfast with friends, everyone was drinking coffee, blah blah blah, excuses.  I slipped and took a sip.

No matter how many times I prove it to myself, I still can’t believe it.  Two days later and I’m sleeping like crap with exponentially increased anxiety and grumpiness.  SERIOUS grumpiness.  I’m waking up groggy and wishing for “just a cup today.”  After just one cup of coffee!!!  And I really only drank half.  I wish I’d at least made it a salted caramel mocha – this crappy feeling is totally not worth a regular, boring cup of coffee.  When will I learn????

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Caffeine is evil.  Seriously, she is smiling while plotting behind your back.

Kathy Freston shares (in Quantum Wellness Cleanse) that Caffeine:

• Is a central-nervous-system stimulant

• Affects perception, mood, and behavior

• Raises dopamine, increasing feelings of pleasure, but depleting future stores of dopamine, making you need more and more

• Blocks adenosine receptors, which calm you and help you sleep, leading to anxiety, restlessness, and inability to sleep (but it does not take away the need for sleep.)

• Exhausts the body by stimulating adrenaline production, also raising cortisol (stress hormone)

• Extended overuse of caffeine leading to stress fatigue and high levels of cortisol can lead to:  lowered thyroid function, cognitive problems, decreased bone density and muscle tissue, higher blood pressure, lowered immunity, raised inflammatory reaction in body

According to Freston, “The very things we take caffeine for – more energy and mental focus – are sacrificed over the long term by ingesting it.”

I just made my own lentil soup and was so excited that I wanted to share with you.  This was much easier than most soups I make.  It's very flavorful.  I’ve always dreamed of making soup as good as Aladdin’s and I think I’m pretty close.  Let me know!

Laura’s Lemony Lentil Soup (Vegan & Gluten-Free)
Serves 4-6
Ingredients:
1 TB extra virgin olive oil, plus 2 TB for later
3 medium onions, diced
1/8 cup white wine
2 potatoes, peeled and diced
2 stalks celery, diced
2 cloves garlic, diced small
1 tsp oregano (dried)
1 tsp basil (dried)
1 tsp parsley (dried)
1 bay leaf
1 tsp Kapha seasoning (optional – my favorite Indian spice – you can buy it from the Chopra center)
6 -8 cups vegetable broth  (I started with 6 and added more as the lentils ate the broth)
½ lemon, peel washed thoroughly
1 apple, cored and quartered
1 ½ cups lentils
½ cup spinach
¼ cup fresh chopped parsley
Salt and pepper to taste (I barely needed to use any at all.)

1.    In a stock pot, add 1 TB EVOO and sweat onions on med-low for 10 minutes, medium for 10 minutes, then back to low for another 10 min.  Stir often to avoid burning or sticking to the pan.

2.    Deglaze by pouring in white wine and stirring the onions.

3.    Add celery, potatoes, garlic, and lentils and toss with the remaining 2 TB of EVOO.

4.    Add dry spices (save fresh parsley for garnish).

5.    Add broth.

6.    Add lemon, apple (if desired), and bay leaf.

7.    Simmer for 1 ½ to 2 hours, stirring occasionally.

8.    Stir in spinach and remove from heat.  Let sit for a couple of minutes and add more veggie broth if too thick.

9.    Serve topped with fresh parsley.

The Job- Marketing for a Software Company

You know what else?  The job wasn’t that bad.  Stressful, yes, as most jobs are.  Demanding, yes.  Infringing on my personal life – of course.  Who doesn’t work 50+ hours nowadays?  But I didn’t mind it.  I really liked the people with whom I worked; it was an opportunity to practice business writing, and I was sent with my laptop to places like Las Vegas, New York City, Orlando, New Hampshire.  I even had a company iPhone (which I used much more for playing Words with Friends than for checking company email.)  As far as jobs go, not one to send someone running. 

But my life was full of anxiety.  I felt that I never had time, I felt that I was always grumpy, always complaining, always tired.  I know it sounds dramatic, but the more I pursued yoga and listened to my inner voice, the more my soul screamed to leave the damaging cycle.  I have always wanted to finish the novel that I started 10 years ago.  My life’s dream is to be a bestselling author.  So, if I don’t start writing now, when will I ever finish?