Breaking the Rules of Fear

I didn't really notice this until now, but I have always had a lot of rules about under what conditions I will do things. For instance, to run outside it must be 60-75 degrees and sunny. To practice yoga, I need at least to be able to put my arms out without touching someone else. Otherwise, I'd try to sneak out the door when no one was looking or I would decide not to enjoy the practice (I know! It's so un-yogic.)

Lately, the universe has been breaking my rules.

What could be cooler than a yoga class with black lights, glow sticks, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and The Wizard of Oz? My husband, Vida, even agreed to come along. According to his rules, these unconventional classes are the only way I can get him to yoga. We were discussing on the way what we expected from the class. Of course, there would be lots of slow and gentle movement so that we could watch the movie and enjoy the fun. I was just hoping it would not be too gentle as it counted for my workout for the day.

When we walked into the room, I had to reign in my panic as at least 40 yogis were packed wall to wall with their mats touching. The MATS WERE TOUCHING. Not only could I not spread my arms, I would actually have to share breathing space. If Vida weren't there, I probably would have run. You know, a gentle, sneaky, graceful yogi sprint.

As I looked around at all the rippling muscles and flat abs, realizing that I was probably the heaviest person in the class, I also noticed that the room was unusually warm. On purpose. Hot air was gushing from the vents. I said "uh oh" and explained to Vida that this just might be "hot yoga," meaning it would likely be a little more of a workout than we anticipated. I planted myself on my mat, trying to burrow underground in my mind, and just kept breathing, deciding to ride this out, mentally chaining myself so my body wouldn't betray me and start running.

"Hey yogis, please skooch a little closer, we need to fit five more people in,"cooed the lithe, supermodel yoga teacher.

I wanted to scream, "MY RULES ARE BEING BROKEN! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!" as I improved my mile time on the journey out. Instead I mentally crawled under my mat and hung on.

The class was immediately challenging as the pace picked up and the postures grew harder and faster. I was surprised to find that I loved it. Sharing the breathing space with the others, feeling the energy in the room pick up, knowing that all those fit people were sweating and breathing hard just like me. I felt strong, graceful. Just when I thought it was winding down and my muscles were shaking, it just kept going and going. FOR TWO HOURS. Later, the teacher commented, "Oh, that was the extended version of the movie, I didn't know that." Another surprise for all of us from the universe. There were even times where we had to "put your hand on your neighbors back for balance" and even hold hands - an absolute breaking of my yoga personal space rule. But it was great.

Finally, completely spent in savasana on the mat, I smiled and sent prayers of gratitude, glowing with amaizngness when a completely unexpected version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow played, sung by my favorite artist, Tori Amos. It was perfection. And I lost two pounds overnight.

 

If I had followed my rules, I would have missed out on this completely.

Later the same weekend, Vida and I were registered to run a 5K at the local high school. I had been vigilantly checking the weather, dismayed that it would be only 42 degrees. Way below my threshold and colder than I've ever run in, but I decided it would be okay.

When we woke up, it was 23 degrees instead. "Nope." I said, "there's no way this is happening." I remembered my doctor telling me at age 10 never to go outside without a scarf over my mouth under 40 degrees because it was bad for my sinuses. I imagined the razor-cold air forcing me into immediate pneumonia. What normal human being would do this? No one would fault me for backing out, I didn't HAVE to do this, I hadn't even told many people about it. My world would not be adversely affected except for having to do my planned 3 miles on the boring treadmill.

Vida started playing Rocky music and telling me that "Rocky didn't worry how cold it was while running over mountains in Russia." I looked at him like he'd just asked me to try a bite of a fluffy bunny and said rather eloquently that I "didn't give an F what Rocky would do," I could be warm in my bed. But I couldn't get back under the covers. For one, Vida looked like he was going to the race that was my idea without me. But also, there was something inside me that wasn't actually going to let me out of it. So I got dressed.

When we arrived, everyone seemed to be a high school student or an athlete. I again realized that "normal people" don't run races in frigid temperatures. The fear came that everyone would be faster and I would be running alone and get lost on the course. Again that I would die from breathing icicles. The race director cautioned us all to watch our step for ICE. But I decided to just start running and not stop and not worry about anything else.

Immediately upon starting, breathing ice cold air sucked. It hurt. My nose started dripping uncontrollably (thank God for gloves and long sleeves.) Seemingly everyone did run past me, continuously. My headphones broke and I could hardly hear Eye of the Tiger. But I just kept going. Eventually, I got used to the air and the snot stream. I found my steady pace and even passed a walker or two (who later passed again when they sped up.) Vida had been in a heat behind me and he eventually pulled up beside me, again making me consider that I might be the slowest person who ever ran. Together we put one foot in front of the other, chasing the teenagers and rasping on ice. My legs wanted to stop, but we charged into the stadium, finally making the last lap to finish.

Not my most glamorous finish...

It was my worst time ever, by about 2 1/2 minutes. It was cold. It hurt. But I cried with pride and joy at facing my rule-breakers and winning against my fears. And also, coming back to race after nearly 3 years of not running. It can only get better.

So I've found that there is joy in breaking the rules. There is pride in digging way deeper than my comfort zone and discovering pieces of myself that are way stronger than I ever imagined.
I will no longer let fear make my decisions for me. Bring it on!

Running for My Life

Running a few miles has always been a symbol of strength and great health for me, of overcoming painful limitations. After chronic pain from multiple car accidents, each recovery was checked off as I reached the 2, 3, 6 mile marks with a smile and a fist pump in the air. Each winter hibernation ended with a trusty 2 mile reunion with my body. I am that weirdo on the hamster wheel (treadmill, whatever) with a big, goofy grin as I sweat because to me running is freedom. It means that my body is strong and free and that makes me happy, even as I grunt, drool, and wheeze through that last quarter mile.

I was feeling stronger than ever, healthy and free and light. Until the Really Bad Stuff happened. I entered a dark time of anger with my body, surgeries, recoveries, and tears. I was stripped of my power and crippled with fear and panic. I kept telling myself I was okay, telling family and friends "I'm fine, drop it."

Looking back, I can now see that I was not fine. I was muddling in molasses, the dark time lasting 2.5 years. I would panic on the way to yoga class and drive home. I would plan to run and then simply run in the opposite direction of the gym, hiding on the couch. My body and personal power grew weaker and weaker, making the thought of ever running again increasingly overwhelming.

When I showed up for my first day of personal training, the fear was heavy in my gut. I felt like it could actually kill me if I walked through the door. I took a deep breath. I did it anyways. I vowed that I would just show up, I would see what was hiding deep inside me, and I would pray the angel of death to pass over me as I held plank pose for what seemed like forever.

About 6 weeks since I walked through that door, I am changed. The hope is settling in that even if I'm still not completely okay, that I can and will be more than okay soon. The promise of power is coursing through me, prana flowing as I just keep breathing.

(Cue Chariots of Fire)

Last week, I just kind of felt like running 2 miles after a pretty challenging yoga class. So I did. Then, this past weekend I thought I'd just see if I might be ready for a 5K this coming weekend by going for the 3 mile run. If you're not a yogi, this may sound crazy to you, but I even patted my body, thanking it for the strength, loving it for all of its miraculous glory. And then the impossible happened. Sweating, wiping snot from my nose with my sleeve, wheezing, grunting, gasping, I just kept going. 2.75 miles and I sped up, letting my legs fly out in huge strides of freedom.

3 miles!

If the other gym members knew what that moment meant (instead of thinking how gross that she wiped her nose with her sleeve), they would have been cheering. If my life were a movie, it would be a major scene in the comeback montage. My life is not a movie, so instead it was just the goofy smile as the tears snuck out of the corners of my eyes and the feeling gently washed over me that I might finally be okay again, stronger even.

It's more than "working out." It's showing up, facing my fears and weaknesses over and over again and proving to myself that I'm so much stronger than I knew. That I have, and always will, overcome. Just breathing, healing, showing up, running it off, letting it go. Letting it go. Letting me grow.

A Mummy's Guide to Freedom

 

"And the day came when the risk
to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk
it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin

 

I feel these protective layers smothering me. At first they were light, floating, gossamer sheaths of chiffon that I gently cloaked around myself, dancing, winking playfully at life. Then came the thicker materials: burlap, leather, drywall, the hair shirt, the ironclad ball and chain around the ankle.

It's natural- scary things happen to us in life. We fall down unexpectedly, we fight, we fail, we are betrayed, abandoned, overwhelmed by loss. The subconscious starts enfolding us in these lovely protective layers when we need them. But what happens when we don't let them go once the need has passed?

As the armor grows heavier, the movement of the body slows. The mind reaches for external comfort, creating its own layer of protective fog and busyness. The spirit grows heavy, sad.

Even our earth is now frozen over, protecting her seedlings, her bounty. My toes long to dig warmly into the strength of her soil.

I hear the urgent whisper, "Let go, let go, let go..."

There is no telling how many times we need to go through this process. Once we've sorted through and let go of all the "stuff," life is still happening, constantly changing no matter how tightly we are gripping. We must always re-evaluate: what am I clinging to? What layers are holding me back?

Practical steps I am taking right now to peel back the layers:

- It all started with the cleanse. First, I freed the digestive flow inside and have paid closer attention to how to feed my body instead of smothering it. Giving up animal products has helped me align my actions with the spirit of my heart. By giving up the dairy products that I'd been eating with a severe allergy, I'm physically removing layers from my sinuses that were literally blocking my primal, root chakra sense of smell. What an obvious layer between me and the experiences of the world. Goodbye!

-I am beginning to move more with physical exercise to peel back what I've jokingly referred to as my "layer of pizza." For extra incentive, I've signed up for a weight loss competition and have enrolled in personal training sessions with my friend and talented trainer, Samantha Jackson at the awesome YDM gym.

-To gain better clarity, I am turning inward. For Lent, I've "given up" the chatter of my Facebook newsfeed so that instead of focusing on the lives of others, I can ask myself how to truly make my own life shine to the best of my ability.

 "When we seek answers outside ourselves, we go deeper into the wilderness, further from home." - Meditations from the Mat

 -I'm reading The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse by Debbie Ford. I've tried this before and wasn't ready. I hope that I am now! Cheers to Day 1.

-I've been leading a Chakra series and as I teach others how to release old habits to find power and balance emotionally, amazing things have been happening as I go through the process again myself, letting go of fears, doubts, and past traumas.

-In an effort to open my heart, I am sharing this experience with you in the hope that it can help.

What You Can Do:

-Make some time for yourself to sit quietly and journal and/or meditate as you explore your desires, dreams, and life. Journal on what your fears are and how you can overcome them. Hint: Step one is affirming that you choose to let it go. Journal on your life's dreams and what holds you back. Without the pressure of forcing yourself to give these things up immediately, simply allow yourself to imagine what your life could look like if you did let go of the negative and you could thrive as your ideal self, realizing your wildest goals.

-Determine the proper balance and identify your own layers. Notice if it's a heavy layer of inertia (more time on the couch, a couple of extra pounds) or if it's a layer of frantic busy-ness and constant motion. If the thought of sitting quietly for an hour or taking a gentle, lay on the floor yoga class makes you angry, that's a good indicator that you need to slow down. If you feel like you are in a layer of SAD, winter molasses, get moving regularly and create a routine for yourself. If you're patting yourself on the back for your rigid routine that never budges, create a little freedom by trying something new- get a massage, dance in your living room instead of going to the gym one evening a week, take a bath.

-Find a healing practice for yourself with a practitioner you trust to help shed the emotional and spiritual barriers with guidance. This could be Body Wisdom, Reiki, Counseling, working with the Angels, yoga, working through the chakras, Emotional Release with essential oils,  even getting a massage. To take the best care of others, you must first take care of yourself. Ideal healing arts sessions help you to better know yourself and grow.

-Consider a cleanse to take some of the energy off your digestion so you can focus inward. This is a great way to notice and honor your body and its needs. You can begin with Day 1 of the cleanse on this blog or find one that works for you. Whole 30 is another great cleanse I've heard about. I'm beginning the Master Cleanse (cayenne lemonade) on March 7th and the instructions will be available here, too.

-Take a break from the media. Limit your TV time- perhaps even take a day or two off per week. Either give up Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, etc. completely for 21-40 days or give yourself a time limit each day that you strictly adhere to. Limit time spent on emails and YouTube as well. If this thought makes you feel completely frantic, it is very, very necessary. You will be amazed by the perspective when/if you choose to come back.

-Read Light. You can choose self-study through gorgeous spiritual books, like Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh or Anatomy of the Spirit by Carolyn Myss. Choose books that lift your spirit and open your mind, especially those that instruct on letting go and being present. Message me if you want more- this is one of my favorite pastimes!

Keep in mind that our layers have layers, born of layers that were layered over layers. This work is like peeling an onion and as you go deeper, you learn things you never could have imagined. When you are ready, the layer starts to peel. Then it's up to you to really dig in there. And it's WORTH IT!

The Power of a Purple Skirt

Suddenly, I noticed the slew of questions I’ve always asked before getting dressed each day: “What will others be wearing?” “What is appropriate for this event/this place?” “What will I be expected to wear?”  This lulled me into wearing the standby black pants haunting me from my corporate attire nearly everywhere.  I would throw on the same rotating outfits for the past – wow – probably 5 years.  I actually thought that I was thinking about what I wanted to wear.

Yesterday was a wardrobe revolution filled with new questions: I asked my body how it wanted to be draped, inquired what would make my spirit soar.  Putting on my beautiful, flowing purple skirt with a t-shirt, I set out for work and for the day. 

My purple skirt twirled me through the day and wrapped me in joy.  Living in each moment, I breathed in spring blossom trees everywhere, plopped down in the grass on a blanket with a book, felt the soft skirt against my legs while it danced in the breeze.

I’d never before noticed this internal dialogue and the way it was limiting me.  From now on, I am asking ME what to wear.  I will consider more than color, more than black cotton pants or jeans? The last time I dressed authentically on a regular basis was in 5th grade, resulting in lots of fluorescent colors and mismatching, ruffles and skirts with tennis shoes.  Look out world, my creative spirit is in charge of my wardrobe again!

Gain Power over Your Food (as opposed to the other way around)

So, now that the Wellness Cleanse is starting on Monday, you may be thinking, “Geez, that Laura is crazy, can I get out of this?”  Or you are thinking, “why am I reading this, I’m not going to do that stupid cleanse she’s going on about.”

Well, if you are doing it, we will have some fun and maybe even shake off some emotional baggage with the stronger, healthier, perhaps hotter bods of ours.  If not, may I invite you to follow along anyways, and learn some more about nutrition?  Maybe you just want to see if I can still post recipes that are good for you and taste good, too. “Ha,” You are thinking, “Vegan & Gluten Free!  No way will it be good.”  Well, then.  Let me just tell you that I am an excellent cook, I adore spending time in the kitchen, and I see vegetarian cooking as a challenge to make food even better than if it had the ordinary old meat and dairy in it.  So look out!  It’s good stuff!

Maybe you want to try to give up one or a couple of the things, but not commit to all five, and see how you feel?  That’s great, please come along and flirt a little – I promise I won’t tie you down, steal your coffee, hide your bread, and tell you what’s in a McDonald’s cheeseburger.  Just see what you like, no pressure.

If you are thinking, “I couldn’t possibly give up (cheese, steak, ice cream, etc)” Freston encourages us to think about how much that craving owns you.  Do you want your food to have power over you or would you like to have power over your food?  All my life, I was known as the “cheese monster.”  My husband told me that he wouldn’t marry me unless I ate vegetables because he was afraid I wouldn’t feed our (future) kids veggies.  Once, he saw me go into such a frenzy over cheese -on -a -stick at an amusement park that he called me that for months.  I freakin’ love cheese, ice cream, cheeseburgers, etc.  But I also love being healthy and I want to live a long, long time.  So I quit that shit. 

In addition to the cleanse information, I’ll be sharing nutritional tidbits from Dr. Todd Pesek (Eat Yourself Super), Michael Pollan (Food Rules & In Defense of Food), Dr. Barnard (21 Day Vegan Kickstart), Alicia Silverstone (The Kind Diet), those fabulous Skinny Bitches, and more.  I have a dorky addiction to reading about food…let's use it to serve you as I share the knowledge I've accumulated over the years.

Sometimes being Kind is as important as being Present

Because I was trying so hard to focus on being present while my Type A family members were trying to rush from point A to point B while discussing point C, I found myself growing utterly impatient.  I wanted my companions to EXPERIENCE New York City since it was their first time there.  I wanted to “stop and smell the…” ok, in NYC maybe I didn’t want to use the sense of smell as much.

But definitely to linger, to soak it in.  I found myself getting rushed along and growing bitter.

However, I now realize that just because being present was important to me, it was still something that I was struggling with just a month ago.  How could I expect my travel companions to be open to it or even consciously trying to employ it when it was still so new to me and not at all a focus for them? 

What’s ironic and a little bit awful is that I was so critical of how we were losing our experiences in the present moment, that I spent a great deal of time in my head being angry, also losing my own experience.  What I missed was kindness and compassion.  And now I can never get that time back to experience travel with 3 of my truly favorite people who I love dearly.

I’d like to illustrate an experience to give you an idea of what I was facing - If only I had been able to giggle then instead of turn grumpy (another excuse: it was 95 degrees and humid…)

Ahead of time, my mom emailed: “I was told by the hotel that we must be sure we travel only in the YELLOW NYC TAXI CABS.  Not the black gypsy cabs.”  I acknowledged the email, saying, “yes, this is good advice.”

As we were exiting the airport, there was a sign: Ground Transportation.  As we were walking in that direction, my mom said to my aunt, “We must make sure it’s a yellow taxi cab.”  My aunt said to me, “make sure it’s a yellow taxi cab.”  While looking at the sign, my mom asked, “But does Ground Transportation mean they will have the YELLOW taxi cabs?” 

My aunt promptly found someone working at the airport to ask if “Ground Transportation was the way towards the YELLOW taxi cabs.”  We were told yes, go outside the door and you will find many yellow taxi cabs waiting.  As we walked outside, they were still reiterating to each other that we must find a yellow taxi cab.

The line was very long and I saw a sign for another taxi stand around the way.  I decided to go ahead and check it out.  There were yellow cabs lined up all around the corner and very few people waiting, so I ran back and told my mom and aunt to follow me.  The questions:

“Did you find taxi cabs?”  “Are you quite sure they are YELLOW taxi cabs?” 

Exasperated, I walked forward, wordlessly leading the way.  As they looked at the yellow cabs lined up around the block, my mom asked, “But are they New York City yellow taxi cabs?”  I pointed out that they said “New York City” on the side and that they were indeed very yellow.

As I looked around the city, my mom and aunt discussed among themselves how they had to be sure that all of our taxi cabs were yellow…

Looking back now with love, I can see that they were just nervous to be in a new city and they wanted to try to control the few things that they saw themselves able to control for their comfort level. 

The Experience is just as much about not judging everything that happens as it is about stopping to notice and appreciate the moments.

The Trouble with Expectations

I disappeared for a few days – this weekend held the excitement of both my four year wedding anniversary and my birthday!  It was very nice, but I learned a valuable lesson: The danger in expectations.

My husband and I were full of joy, living our simple but happy life where I cook at home and we spend nice time together.  Of course, since it was our anniversary on Thursday, we decided to go out for a “fancy dinner.”  First, we debated – why spend the money when I can cook something fresh, healthy and delicious?  Why go out just because that’s what we’re supposed to do on an anniversary?  In the end, we caved to the enticing dinner out idea, expecting it to be much more amazing than what I could have provided at home. 

We went to a local Italian restaurant that had opened recently in Mentor, one we had been excited to check out.  We sat on the patio and the evening was perfect.  The dinner, however, was a disaster!  I ordered shrimp and aglio olio.  The pasta was in a brown, meat based sauce which was seasoned only with heavy salt and garlic.  Where were the fresh herbs?  Why were they putting heavy meat stock in what should be a light oil sauce?  Why was my shrimp chewy?  When I said “no cheese,” it seemed they went back and scraped it off the same dish.  Expecting a true Italian meal, I was sorely disappointed.  And robbed!  This experience cost about $86!

We chose to take a secret shopping opportunity the next night to get “free drinks and an appetizer” for an anniversary continuation.  I got dressed up like we were going to a wedding.  We had to take such detailed notes that we didn’t even really get to talk or enjoy each other’s company.  And all of the appetizers were meat based, so I munched on snack crackers served at the bar.  Once again, disappointed by the experience of a fancy night out!  Plus, it took me 1.5 hours to write the report afterwards.  Ugh!

Finally, I was busily making plans for my birthday.  My mom gave me birthday money for a bike (Thanks, Mom!) and I made all these elaborate plans that we were going to go biking through the park, pack a picnic, lay in the sun and relax.  I got so caught up in planning Sunday on Saturday that I wasted Saturday afternoon planning, then on Sunday it stormed and I was frantically trying to still squeeze in a bike ride in the couple hours before the rain came back.  Before I knew it, the day was over.  The weekend, as a matter of fact.

Have I learned nothing?  If I had just kept on living the way I’ve been living – simply enjoying life, cooking, noticing the moments – it would have been an amazing, relaxing weekend.  Instead I stressed myself out and ended up really low on energy from eating out!

The story does have a happy ending, though.  I finally gave up trying to make plans and instead we made the beautiful Italian dinner together that I had been craving.  We lit a candle, sat facing each other, and enjoyed fresh, homemade ingredients prepared just how I like it.  If only I had started there all weekend!!! 

My birthday dinner!  Gnocci with fresh basil in a tomato pepper sauce with fried greens and broccoli.  Appetizer recipe coming soon!  (Bruschetta with delicious salad)

The Empty Bowl- a Lesson on Being Present

I took my cereal outside today.  I wanted to be present in nature and to have a new experience fully enjoying my breakfast. 

I sat outside, feeling the breeze on my bare arms and gazing at my garden.  Then I noticed that the tomato plants needed to be tied and saw that some weeding would be a good idea soon… next thing I knew, I was already thinking about what I would say in this blog and wondering how my mom was today.  Look down, cereal gone.  Missed it.

It is so difficult to be fully present.  I think you have to let it hit you and wash over you from time to time – like noticing a cool breeze or a beautiful flower.  I’ve noticed that my mind runs out of control, so I am going to keep working towards being present as best I can.  I think I’ll stop planning to be present, though, as I try to “just be”!