Always a Runner - This Time with ahimsa

“I always start these events with very lofty goals, like I’m going to do something special.  And after a point of body deterioration, the goals get evaluated down to basically where I am now- where the best I can hope for is to avoid throwing up on my shoes.” 

 -Ultrarunner Ephraim Romesberg, quoted in Born to Run by Christopher McDougall

It’s one of those absolutely perfect days – 76 degrees with a lovely breeze, sun shining brightly without a cloud to be seen, so I decide to go for a little stroll.

The urge to jog a bit moves me as Florence and the Machine urge me to “run fast for my mother, run fast for my father.”  After about a mile, my body tells me take a chill, go back to walking, so I do for a short while.  But then, Enrique Iglesias starts singing how he “likes it” and oh, I like it too.  So I ran about another half mile, immediately stopping right before feeling pain – for the first time in this run.

I’ve always swung like a pendulum – either I’m running like crazy and just making it hurt and running again and again until it doesn’t or I’m telling myself I shouldn’t hurt myself and not running at all, not doing much besides gentle yoga and claiming I’m being kind to myself.

The yogic law of ahimsa (“Nonviolence”) means “do no harm” to yourself or to others.  In a recent yoga class, the teacher mentioned that ahimsa not only means not pushing yourself to pain, but it also means knowing how far you can push.  You are actually hurting yourself if you’re holding back from what you can become, from reaching your fullest potential.

I wanted to tell you all about how that was the first time I worked ahimsa into a balanced run… until I still hurt myself.  It was my hip and after a day of massaging it, everything was fine. 

And now I’m going to try again tomorrow, believing, “With each step I touch the earth lightly to do her no harm, and she in turn does me no harm.” (From The Yamas and Niyamas)

Running for My Life

Running a few miles has always been a symbol of strength and great health for me, of overcoming painful limitations. After chronic pain from multiple car accidents, each recovery was checked off as I reached the 2, 3, 6 mile marks with a smile and a fist pump in the air. Each winter hibernation ended with a trusty 2 mile reunion with my body. I am that weirdo on the hamster wheel (treadmill, whatever) with a big, goofy grin as I sweat because to me running is freedom. It means that my body is strong and free and that makes me happy, even as I grunt, drool, and wheeze through that last quarter mile.

I was feeling stronger than ever, healthy and free and light. Until the Really Bad Stuff happened. I entered a dark time of anger with my body, surgeries, recoveries, and tears. I was stripped of my power and crippled with fear and panic. I kept telling myself I was okay, telling family and friends "I'm fine, drop it."

Looking back, I can now see that I was not fine. I was muddling in molasses, the dark time lasting 2.5 years. I would panic on the way to yoga class and drive home. I would plan to run and then simply run in the opposite direction of the gym, hiding on the couch. My body and personal power grew weaker and weaker, making the thought of ever running again increasingly overwhelming.

When I showed up for my first day of personal training, the fear was heavy in my gut. I felt like it could actually kill me if I walked through the door. I took a deep breath. I did it anyways. I vowed that I would just show up, I would see what was hiding deep inside me, and I would pray the angel of death to pass over me as I held plank pose for what seemed like forever.

About 6 weeks since I walked through that door, I am changed. The hope is settling in that even if I'm still not completely okay, that I can and will be more than okay soon. The promise of power is coursing through me, prana flowing as I just keep breathing.

(Cue Chariots of Fire)

Last week, I just kind of felt like running 2 miles after a pretty challenging yoga class. So I did. Then, this past weekend I thought I'd just see if I might be ready for a 5K this coming weekend by going for the 3 mile run. If you're not a yogi, this may sound crazy to you, but I even patted my body, thanking it for the strength, loving it for all of its miraculous glory. And then the impossible happened. Sweating, wiping snot from my nose with my sleeve, wheezing, grunting, gasping, I just kept going. 2.75 miles and I sped up, letting my legs fly out in huge strides of freedom.

3 miles!

If the other gym members knew what that moment meant (instead of thinking how gross that she wiped her nose with her sleeve), they would have been cheering. If my life were a movie, it would be a major scene in the comeback montage. My life is not a movie, so instead it was just the goofy smile as the tears snuck out of the corners of my eyes and the feeling gently washed over me that I might finally be okay again, stronger even.

It's more than "working out." It's showing up, facing my fears and weaknesses over and over again and proving to myself that I'm so much stronger than I knew. That I have, and always will, overcome. Just breathing, healing, showing up, running it off, letting it go. Letting it go. Letting me grow.

Day 15 – Better than Ever and Better than Most

Yesterday, I ran 4 miles for the first time in almost two years.  I did not really ramp up gradually – I ran 3 miles a couple of days ago, slowed down and just went for 4.  And I feel GREAT!  In the past, I would really be hurting (ice, motrin, hours of stretching) after adding an entire mile out of nowhere, but I feel perfectly fine!  I’m wondering if it’s the cleanse diet or the chia seeds or all of the extra vegetables or the yoga?  Maybe it’s everything.  There really is something to this.  I can’t believe my after-run recovery.  I’m testing what I’m preaching and it’s TRUE, brothers and sisters!

Though we have been told that we need to eat meat and drink milk for optimal performance in sports, there are many incredible athletes who prove the contrary.  Scott Jurek & Brendan Brazier are both vegan and Ultramarathon runners – that means they typically run 50 – 160 miles per race, without stopping the clock like in the Tour de France for sleep.  More often than not, these ultramarathons are 100 miles.  To say that’s hard core is like saying it’s warm on the equator.  And they do it with plants and whole grains!  There are also many bodybuilders and Olympic athletes who are vegan or vegetarian.  Their muscles are just fine without animal protein and they are going on not just to compete, but to win.

Being a vegetarian is not a trendy fad.  These were some early and contemporary trend setters: Plato, Ovid, Leonardo da Vinci,  Voltaire, Jean Jacques Rousseau, Henry David Thoreau, Leo Tolstoy, Abraham Lincoln, Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Rosa Parks, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Mary Tyler Moore, Oliver Stone, Alec Baldwin, Deepak Chopra, Prince, Lenny Kravitz, Alanis Morrissette, Ellen DeGeneres, Shania Twain, Reese Witherspoon, Tobey Maguire, Natalie Portman, Nelly, and Anthony Kiedes. 

Olympic medalists include: Lizzie Armistead, Edwin Moses, Bode Miller, Carl Lewis, Ruth Heidrich, Chris Campbell, and many others.  Other athletic superstars include 4 time Mr. Universe winner and bodybuilder Bill Pearl, football player Joe Nameth, basketball star Robert Parish, baseball’s Prince Fielder, and David Scott (who holds the record for most Iron Man World Championship wins).  Now tell one of those guys that being vegetarian “isn’t cool, man.”

I did not share these lists for the sake of saying, “Look at the cool people who are doing it!” Think of how much these people have accomplished in their lives.  Think of the focus, endurance, athleticism, brainpower and/or energy required.  They’ve managed not just fine, but far better than most while eating veggies and granola.

I’m currently reading Scott Jurek’s book (Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to UltraMarathon Greatness) and he talks about how he noticed better performance in sports from eating vegetables and whole grains in high school.  He went away to a camp for cross country skiing and they fed him vegetarian fare.  He realized on his own that his sports performance was better than ever, resulting from the new diet. 

I’ve never before run in conjunction with a vegan diet and I'm shocked by the difference I feel personally.  I’ve also started experimenting with more interesting grains, like kasha (included in the recipe below.)  I think the kasha had an effect on my endurance.  This is really exciting!  There’s no going back for me.

To quote my Teta (Aunt) Kata, “Try it- you will like it!”

I’ve just discovered kasha – it is cracked buckwheat.  It has a very nutty, earthy taste and is amazing in this salad.

Dijon Brown Rice & Kasha Salad
½ cup kasha (prepared according to box)
½ cup brown rice (prepared according to box)
1 red bell pepper – diced
1 yellow bell pepper- diced
1 avocado – diced
3 green onions, sliced
1 large tomato, diced
½ cucumber, diced
½ cup walnuts (bite-sized pieces)

Dressing
¼ cup rice vinegar
½ TB Dijon mustard
1 tsp agave nectar
½ tsp salt
½ tsp fresh ground pepper
2 cloves garlic- minced
¼ cup olive oil
(whisk together before pouring over salad)

Cook rice and kasha as directed on the package.  Let cool for at least 1 hour.  Add the rest of the ingredients.  Pour dressing over the salad & mix well.  Serve cold.

This serves about 8-10 people (or will make you tons of leftovers for lunches.)  It’s great to bring to a family gathering and delicious.  Someone always asks for the recipe.  Enjoy!

Note:  You can use any other veggies that you like, but the avocados, peppers, and nuts are very complimentary with the dressing.  Also, I used half olive oil and half pumpkinseed oil, along with fresh grilled corn in my recipe.  It was delicious.

A Runner's Journey

Blinding pain greeted me yesterday morning.  I lifted my head from the pillow to find a knife in my neck, throbbing waves of agony up and down through my shoulder, dancing down to my low back.  All I did was try to look right.

All day, normal tasks became monumental; I cried while putting dishes in the dishwasher and struggled even to sit up with my head in an upright position.

And then the memories come flooding back:

Looking in the rearview mirror to see the little yellow car moving too fast towards me.  The sound of metal on metal.  Quitting my job as a preschool photographer in Texas because I could no longer lift my 200 pound studio and moving into my mom’s basement in Ohio.  The knife that stayed lodged in my back despite the giant cortisone shots straight into my spine (6 times!), physical therapy, ice, heat, rinse, repeat, acupuncture (oh god, there are needles in my face), stretches, pain pills while I dragged myself through 50 hours a week as a temp with no days off, being told I would never be a runner again, the strawberry kisses and peanut butter cups that became the only ones I confided in, the depression, the isolation, the despair.  Nothing helped for years.  "But I'm so young!  Surely, it will just go away one day..."

Years of chiropractic care, sickness - withdrawal from the pills, ignoring the doctor’s advice to keep taking them forever, reclaiming my body, my mind – finally finding relief – slowly, so very slowly.  After 8 years of daily pain, pushing myself to run again, taking motrin every day, ice, working out twice a day, ice again, spinning classes, yoga classes, running my first 5k, then my first 10k with tears of joy, feeling strong and happy, lifting weights, feeling heroic, finally moving out of pain…

For about 4 months. 

THEN… the sound of metal yet again, looking up to see the black car to my right that had just pushed me into oncoming traffic.  The thought, “no, please no…” the pain instantly returning, again the slow- why does it have to be so slow?- healing.  Pouring all of my time and money again into the chiropractor, yoga, massages, yoga therapy…

Now, 1.5 years later, the thrill of running a mile again.  2 miles.  3.1.  Training for another 10k.  Growing strong through yoga, stretching every day, staying focused – it takes so much focus to run out of this pain- getting ready for a 4 mile run next Saturday…
And now another little set back.  I hope I can still run next Saturday.  Next year.  In 20 years. 

Keep going.  Keep pushing.  Tomorrow will be better.  Ice.  Motrin.  And… smile.  It’s been worse.  I’m growing strong again.  I’ve learned so much.


Why run?  Because I can.  When my body lets me, it feels like flying, like freedom.  After herniated discs and whiplash, it makes me feel like a superhero.  Just like I told my 2nd graders before running my first 10k, "You can do anything."