Running for My Life

Running a few miles has always been a symbol of strength and great health for me, of overcoming painful limitations. After chronic pain from multiple car accidents, each recovery was checked off as I reached the 2, 3, 6 mile marks with a smile and a fist pump in the air. Each winter hibernation ended with a trusty 2 mile reunion with my body. I am that weirdo on the hamster wheel (treadmill, whatever) with a big, goofy grin as I sweat because to me running is freedom. It means that my body is strong and free and that makes me happy, even as I grunt, drool, and wheeze through that last quarter mile.

I was feeling stronger than ever, healthy and free and light. Until the Really Bad Stuff happened. I entered a dark time of anger with my body, surgeries, recoveries, and tears. I was stripped of my power and crippled with fear and panic. I kept telling myself I was okay, telling family and friends "I'm fine, drop it."

Looking back, I can now see that I was not fine. I was muddling in molasses, the dark time lasting 2.5 years. I would panic on the way to yoga class and drive home. I would plan to run and then simply run in the opposite direction of the gym, hiding on the couch. My body and personal power grew weaker and weaker, making the thought of ever running again increasingly overwhelming.

When I showed up for my first day of personal training, the fear was heavy in my gut. I felt like it could actually kill me if I walked through the door. I took a deep breath. I did it anyways. I vowed that I would just show up, I would see what was hiding deep inside me, and I would pray the angel of death to pass over me as I held plank pose for what seemed like forever.

About 6 weeks since I walked through that door, I am changed. The hope is settling in that even if I'm still not completely okay, that I can and will be more than okay soon. The promise of power is coursing through me, prana flowing as I just keep breathing.

(Cue Chariots of Fire)

Last week, I just kind of felt like running 2 miles after a pretty challenging yoga class. So I did. Then, this past weekend I thought I'd just see if I might be ready for a 5K this coming weekend by going for the 3 mile run. If you're not a yogi, this may sound crazy to you, but I even patted my body, thanking it for the strength, loving it for all of its miraculous glory. And then the impossible happened. Sweating, wiping snot from my nose with my sleeve, wheezing, grunting, gasping, I just kept going. 2.75 miles and I sped up, letting my legs fly out in huge strides of freedom.

3 miles!

If the other gym members knew what that moment meant (instead of thinking how gross that she wiped her nose with her sleeve), they would have been cheering. If my life were a movie, it would be a major scene in the comeback montage. My life is not a movie, so instead it was just the goofy smile as the tears snuck out of the corners of my eyes and the feeling gently washed over me that I might finally be okay again, stronger even.

It's more than "working out." It's showing up, facing my fears and weaknesses over and over again and proving to myself that I'm so much stronger than I knew. That I have, and always will, overcome. Just breathing, healing, showing up, running it off, letting it go. Letting it go. Letting me grow.

A Mummy's Guide to Freedom

 

"And the day came when the risk
to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk
it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin

 

I feel these protective layers smothering me. At first they were light, floating, gossamer sheaths of chiffon that I gently cloaked around myself, dancing, winking playfully at life. Then came the thicker materials: burlap, leather, drywall, the hair shirt, the ironclad ball and chain around the ankle.

It's natural- scary things happen to us in life. We fall down unexpectedly, we fight, we fail, we are betrayed, abandoned, overwhelmed by loss. The subconscious starts enfolding us in these lovely protective layers when we need them. But what happens when we don't let them go once the need has passed?

As the armor grows heavier, the movement of the body slows. The mind reaches for external comfort, creating its own layer of protective fog and busyness. The spirit grows heavy, sad.

Even our earth is now frozen over, protecting her seedlings, her bounty. My toes long to dig warmly into the strength of her soil.

I hear the urgent whisper, "Let go, let go, let go..."

There is no telling how many times we need to go through this process. Once we've sorted through and let go of all the "stuff," life is still happening, constantly changing no matter how tightly we are gripping. We must always re-evaluate: what am I clinging to? What layers are holding me back?

Practical steps I am taking right now to peel back the layers:

- It all started with the cleanse. First, I freed the digestive flow inside and have paid closer attention to how to feed my body instead of smothering it. Giving up animal products has helped me align my actions with the spirit of my heart. By giving up the dairy products that I'd been eating with a severe allergy, I'm physically removing layers from my sinuses that were literally blocking my primal, root chakra sense of smell. What an obvious layer between me and the experiences of the world. Goodbye!

-I am beginning to move more with physical exercise to peel back what I've jokingly referred to as my "layer of pizza." For extra incentive, I've signed up for a weight loss competition and have enrolled in personal training sessions with my friend and talented trainer, Samantha Jackson at the awesome YDM gym.

-To gain better clarity, I am turning inward. For Lent, I've "given up" the chatter of my Facebook newsfeed so that instead of focusing on the lives of others, I can ask myself how to truly make my own life shine to the best of my ability.

 "When we seek answers outside ourselves, we go deeper into the wilderness, further from home." - Meditations from the Mat

 -I'm reading The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse by Debbie Ford. I've tried this before and wasn't ready. I hope that I am now! Cheers to Day 1.

-I've been leading a Chakra series and as I teach others how to release old habits to find power and balance emotionally, amazing things have been happening as I go through the process again myself, letting go of fears, doubts, and past traumas.

-In an effort to open my heart, I am sharing this experience with you in the hope that it can help.

What You Can Do:

-Make some time for yourself to sit quietly and journal and/or meditate as you explore your desires, dreams, and life. Journal on what your fears are and how you can overcome them. Hint: Step one is affirming that you choose to let it go. Journal on your life's dreams and what holds you back. Without the pressure of forcing yourself to give these things up immediately, simply allow yourself to imagine what your life could look like if you did let go of the negative and you could thrive as your ideal self, realizing your wildest goals.

-Determine the proper balance and identify your own layers. Notice if it's a heavy layer of inertia (more time on the couch, a couple of extra pounds) or if it's a layer of frantic busy-ness and constant motion. If the thought of sitting quietly for an hour or taking a gentle, lay on the floor yoga class makes you angry, that's a good indicator that you need to slow down. If you feel like you are in a layer of SAD, winter molasses, get moving regularly and create a routine for yourself. If you're patting yourself on the back for your rigid routine that never budges, create a little freedom by trying something new- get a massage, dance in your living room instead of going to the gym one evening a week, take a bath.

-Find a healing practice for yourself with a practitioner you trust to help shed the emotional and spiritual barriers with guidance. This could be Body Wisdom, Reiki, Counseling, working with the Angels, yoga, working through the chakras, Emotional Release with essential oils,  even getting a massage. To take the best care of others, you must first take care of yourself. Ideal healing arts sessions help you to better know yourself and grow.

-Consider a cleanse to take some of the energy off your digestion so you can focus inward. This is a great way to notice and honor your body and its needs. You can begin with Day 1 of the cleanse on this blog or find one that works for you. Whole 30 is another great cleanse I've heard about. I'm beginning the Master Cleanse (cayenne lemonade) on March 7th and the instructions will be available here, too.

-Take a break from the media. Limit your TV time- perhaps even take a day or two off per week. Either give up Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, etc. completely for 21-40 days or give yourself a time limit each day that you strictly adhere to. Limit time spent on emails and YouTube as well. If this thought makes you feel completely frantic, it is very, very necessary. You will be amazed by the perspective when/if you choose to come back.

-Read Light. You can choose self-study through gorgeous spiritual books, like Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh or Anatomy of the Spirit by Carolyn Myss. Choose books that lift your spirit and open your mind, especially those that instruct on letting go and being present. Message me if you want more- this is one of my favorite pastimes!

Keep in mind that our layers have layers, born of layers that were layered over layers. This work is like peeling an onion and as you go deeper, you learn things you never could have imagined. When you are ready, the layer starts to peel. Then it's up to you to really dig in there. And it's WORTH IT!

Down the Slippery Pita Slope

It was just a tiny piece of pita bread.

I was so proud of myself, practicing such moderation. I took the tiny quarter of a pita triangle and even ripped it in half, separating the double layers so that I could have two tiny feast-like triangles for my hummus.

Smug, I bragged about my new "balance," this amazing self control.

But then, the cravings came. One stupid quarter of a pita started the craziness, the raving mad NEED for more. I started fantasizing about pizza dripping with cheese, giant steaks. I almost had an egg until I pictured myself crying into my breakfast.

By the third day, Sunday, I actually started chewing on my husband, telling him how much I "needed" to sink my teeth into some meat. Wide-eyed, he ushered me into the car to go out to eat, understanding how dangerous a situation we were in.

After giving myself permission to order a steak, I opted instead for (surprise) an Italian meal. I dove face-first into the fluffy bread, ordered the fried everything platter as an appetizer, then shoveled delightful cavatelli into my ever chewing, ever smiling mouth.

That damn pita triangle.
Of course, I felt awful. I even had a couple of bites (moderation!) of fried cheese, which immediately became a sinus headache and a couple of metal knots slowly winding through my intestines.
 
5 weeks on this glorious cleanse and I thought I was ready for moderation.

Those few bites of delicious pita bread and the white flour was coursing through my body, begging for more.

According to Dr. David Perlmutter, neurologist, 

"Just like Oreos, there are chemicals in gluten and wheat that stimulate the same parts of the brain that are responsive to morphine."

This is why I have to keep going the route of super discipline. Unfortunately for me, there is no "moderation" concerning gluten products. And I'm shocked by the way the flour made me crave meat, all things fried, and everything I had given up- even sugar and alcohol!

I joked 5 minutes after the gluttonous meal and said, "Now for the self-loathing," but that was exactly what happened, even after all of my advice not to be hard on ourselves when slipping up on cravings.

That darn pita? NOT WORTH IT. Back to my cleanse diet without exception. The slippery slope is just too slick!

Note: There were no animals harmed in this meal! Still vegetarian for over 5 weeks now. Even when I want to eat the meat, I can't go through with it. It feels really good to live my beliefs, helping the earth in being a little lighter and brighter.

Are you there Wellness? It's Me, Laura

It’s been over a week since the cleanse “ended” and Guess what? I’m still going! Feeling much better, I’m still following the rules in my actual, daily life. This is a first! In the past, whenever discipline has numbered days, I’m counting down and getting ready to pat myself on the back, then go joyously face first into to old habits (like cheese pizza!) But this time it really clicked that those habits weren’t serving me anymore.

I was fantasizing about eggs- that was one of the hardest things for me to give up. But once I gave myself permission to have it, my conscience decided to stay consistent with my values. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the male baby chicks. And now I feel stronger, more happy, more me.

This is a little embarrassing, but I’ve even been making an effort to give myself pats on the shoulders, the legs, to tell my body that I love it and that I love taking good care of it. I almost feel like I have to reassure my body that it can trust me again after all I’ve put it through.

What’s been really eluding and annoying me is that I’m still tired. I thought about writing a displeased letter to Ms. Kathy Freston of the 21 Day Quantum Wellness Cleanse until I remembered what I did differently last time. I was exercising like a maniac, running 10Ks, going regularly to yoga, and lifting weights.

In my head, I know the benefits of getting moving. I’ve blogged about it and have even called it “the secret to life” when active. But oh, to get a body out of its inertia. When I’m exercising regularly, I wonder how or why I ever stopped, but when I’m not, I wonder how or why I was able to choose that over the couch.

As usual, BKS Iyengar helped put the importance into perspective for me:

“As long as the body is not in perfect health, you are caught in body consciousness alone. This distracts you from healing and culturing the mind. We need sound bodies so we can develop sound minds.”

So, knowing how my mind works and the power of healthy rewards, I joined a weight loss challenge at my gym. It’s a Biggest Loser kind of thing, where the person who loses the highest percentage of weight will win a trip to Vegas! It goes until May and has really been helping me to get moving. I’m feeling more energy creeping back and I’m getting excited. It may not be the most balanced thing in the world to join a weight-loss focused event like this, but now that better nutrition is in place,I can focus on my next big challenge and I know, just like with the cleanse, I’ll be carrying better habits into my daily routine. And that's where the balance comes in.

“So while you are sweating and aching, let your heart be light and let it fill your body with gladness. You are not only becoming free, but you are also being free. What is not to be glad about? The pain is temporary. The freedom is permanent.”  -BKS Iyengar, Light on Life

It's easy to be discouraged by the “temporary” pain. The muscles start crying, then the brain says, “why have you let this happen again, you …?!” But this time, I’m not listening. I have a contest to win. Patting and massaging those aching muscles and telling my body it will all be okay, I’m gonna keep on going, still digging for that Wellness, that fabulous friend named Health. I can hear her whispering nearby…

Day 21- The Beginning

“What we eat is a matter of life and death. Food is who we are.” – Scott Jurek, Ultra marathoner

This may sound dramatic after only 21 days, but I am changed. I feel lighter, gentler, more myself. I learned with my heart and body, not just my mind this time.

I thought I would never give up eggs, but I just can't stop thinking about the baby chicks that aren't needed. I thought I could never go without gluten but I honestly haven't missed it. I've just become more creative in the kitchen! Egg substitutes for baking are bananas and ground flaxseed with water. I made my first pizza without cheese or even cheese substitute (recipe below.) I felt like I was on the food network, whipping up this delicious, gourmet beauty.

I'm feeling excited about committing to this diet long-term, though it was in no way my original intention. I just wanted to lose some weight and reset my system with a cleanse. But I am not the same person who started 21 days ago, desperately needing a change. Iyengar's "disciplined happiness" is taking on more meaning as this new sense of balance finds me smiling more. But gently...genuinely.

“Genetically and structurally, we are designed to thrive on plant foods…Plants store the sun’s energy, which we receive by eating them. If you can, just picture the light energy from the sun beaming down to the vegetables and fruits, and as we eat those foods, imagine that energy being transmitted into our bodies. Our nervous systems are maintained and stimulated by this light. What an amazing gift from nature- to be able to eat such pure foods that give our bodies so much!” – Skinny Bitch

The sunshine is now running through my body, feeding my cells, despite the heavy Ohio blizzard outside.

I find myself now agreeing with Benjamin Franklin:

“My refusing to eat flesh occasioned an inconveniency, and I was frequently chided for my singularity, but, with this lighter repast, I made the greater progress, for greater clearness of head and quicker comprehension.”

Since this all started from Kathy Freston's Quantum Wellness Cleanse, I find it fitting to close this 21 day experiment using her very appropriate words: 

“Now you know just how powerful you are. Now you know that you are the healer who can heal yourself and extend that healing out into the world. May you be well and thrive in every respect, and may you use this foundation of power to help move us all forward.”

This is one of my favorite foods I've ever invented (today.) It was so rich and indulgent I did not miss the cheese (really!) And all because I ran out of marinara sauce and had to get creative!

A New and Fabulous Pizza

 

 Ingredients
Namaste Foods Gluten Free Pizza Crust Mix (follow instructions on bag)
2 cups arugula
2 TB earth balance butter substitute
1 large sweet onion, cut in thin strips
3 cloves fresh garlic, peeled and chopped
1 red pepper from jar
3/4 cup sundried tomatoes
2 TB coconut cream concentrate
1/4 cup raw almonds
1/4 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
salt, oregano, garlic powder, rosemary
2 TB + 2 tsp olive oil

Instructions:
Preheat Oven to 450 degrees and make crust in the meantime.

Caramelize onions in the Earthbalance butter. Toss the arugula with 1-2 tsp of the olive oil, some salt and pepper, then set aside to wilt a bit.

Make the sauce: Add garlic, red pepper, sundried tomatoes, coconut cream concentrate, almonds, and about 4 cherry tomatoes in a food processor. Drizzle the 2 TB olive oil and grind until it's a thick, creamy paste.

Spread the sauce over the crust when it's ready. Add the onions and remaining tomatoes and bake for 10 minutes.

Remove from oven and add the wilted arugula.

*I also drizzled with a nice pecan-flavored balsamic. A sweet balsamic adds nice flavor to the arugula.

*If you can't find the Namaste brand crust, you would probably want lower the temperature of the oven to 375-400 and follow the instructions for how long to bake it. Since the one I used is a thin crust and goes from a batter to actually baking the crust, the higher temperature was needed.

If you would like more information on going vegan or vegetarian, there is some great info at Goveg.com and you can even order a free vegetarian starter kit.
If you enjoyed this 21-day program, another one that I would strongly recommend (that I have done several times and really like) is PCRM's 21-Day Vegan Kick Start. They share delicious recipes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for all 21 days.

Day 20: Alishineyas, Warriors, and Ever-loving Illumination

Alishineya (ael-i-shin-ey-a): A woman waking up to her true power, her light; unearthing the divine journey of her soul.
Ex. I have been blessed to know many strong alisheneyas who have shined the light for me to notice that I, too, am exquisitely alive.

Alishen (ael-ee-shen): The male equivalent.

Today I was assigned a writing project to invent a new word and use it. I thought about how the word "warrior" really isn't used regularly for women. I love the word "bodhisattva." This word is not made up. It's a Buddhist word: "those who train whole-heartedly in awakening unconditional and relative bodhichitta are called bodhisattvas or warriors- not warriors who kill and harm but warriors of nonaggression who hear the cries of the world." Bodhichitta is basically strong mindfulness without fear or judgment and the "ability to keep our hearts and minds open without shutting down" according to Pema Chodron in The Places that Scare You.

As this 21-day cleanse is coming to a close, I've noticed more than ever the strong tie between body, mind, and spirit, even in focusing simply on the diet and what we choose to consume.

This cleanse has re-awakened my Spirit; it has settled into my heart. By loving myself enough to make the right food choices for me, I feel happier, lighter, more free.

Even my choices at the grocery store lift me up. Now I do my best to support companies that are trying to nourish us instead of contributing to those who fill their pockets, then fill their products with sugar and concentrated, over-processed starch, pointing at kids with diabetes and saying "exercise more." Or worse yet, the ones treating animals in a way that they could never fathom being treated.

Yes, there was a bit of frustration, anger, ranting on my part. For a moment, I wanted to get my sword and go to war. But I love the idea of keeping "our hearts and minds open without shutting down." When I was vegan before, I rather made a point to tell everyone what they are eating, all the time. I felt so passionately it was hard to watch people eat. But being so one-sided can lead others to shut down. Our hearts must be ready, too. This time, this cleanse, I committed body, mind, heart, and soul and it's made such a difference. I know that I tread more lightly upon the earth and my heart smiles.

Making such kind and gentle choices for myself and for the world can't help but trickle into other areas of my life, awakening new parts of the spiritual journey.

There are alishineyas everywhere. There's my friend Lisa, who is following her dream to move to Costa Rica. The many brave entrepreneurs in the community, risking everything, working lonely hours to make their dreams come true. The yoga teachers who share the light, many in their "free time" after full time jobs. There's my sister, Amy, who pours her whole self not only into teaching young children, but also into tirelessly supporting and inspiring other teachers, then going home to bathe her toddler in endless love and attention.

To everyone who is living with their eyes open, to everyone who pours their entire being into their lives, into serving others, into honoring themselves, you inspire me to be better. To the alisheneyas and alishens- thank you for joining me for however many footsteps along the journey. As your path is illuminated, gently, lovingly, let's shine light into the darkened spots and lonely hearts of the world so others may find the way.

Day 19- Let it Shine! (Free, Happy, Me)

Rockin' the purple hair.

 “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.” -Marianne Williamson

One thing that I love about a vegan lifestyle is that it's non-conforming. It’s a personal revolution and utter rebellion to say, “I will not buy into an industry that is cruel, does not care about my health, and is followed as a matter of convenience for most.” When you order your meal without meat and without cheese, you’ve probably already noticed some of the reactions. It’s confusion, raised eyebrows, sometimes even hostility – especially if you don’t live on the West Coast, USA. Now add gluten-free and watch heads explode, watch the eyes bug out like you just showed your scales.

Freston agrees, “Our challenge as humans is always to love the part of ourselves that is rejected and disowned. When we come to terms with the part of us that is vulnerable, we arrive at a deeper inner peace, and thus are able to act in the world a bit more peacefully.”

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in a restaurant and overheard a young woman saying, “I felt so emotional. I know, I told him. I’m so crazy!” This struck a chord with me as I remembered saying the same thing more times than I would like to admit. My heart moved for this girl. Why should we be labeled as "crazy" for letting ourselves emotionally react? For being ourselves? 

Why do we tuck these emotions, these eccentricities away? We are all unique, with differing needs, interests, bodies. Yet, our culture has groomed many of us into competitive versions of the same prototype. It makes us more apt to buy things, to stay in line by striving for sameness, constantly asking ourselves, “Is this okay? What will they think?”

“The system does not want us to know our own best selves, because if we do we then have no need to buy things that ‘they’ say are worthy and desirable. Satisfied people don’t buy as much stuff.” – The Minimalist Women’s Guide to Having it All

Let’s stop judging ourselves based on society’s imposed standards. How about judging based on our own heart’s standards? Or best yet, don’t judge yourself at all!

I am curvy. I don't have cable. I don’t eat animals. I talk to Angels and go to “church” in my prayers and meditations every day. Jeans are not my uniform. I use essential oils instead of running to the doctor. I work for myself. Totally weird? Not fitting into society? So? I’ve been exceedingly happier since realizing: It’s my choice how I live; what I wear, how to nourish my body, what’s important to me!  

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss

Dear Past Self,
What a treat. After yesterday’s post, I found this piece in the cleanse series and it feels like a hug from...myself. Thank you for this message!
Love,
Present self to me/Future self to you

A meditation:
“I am free and I am me! I rejoice in my innocence and celebrate the gift of life. I offer gratitude for that which makes me unique, the refreshing quirkiness that only I can offer the world. This levity makes my spirit soar. I am happy, right now, and I am free!”

Enter a quirky, lesser known grain called kasha (cracked buckwheat.) It has a very nutty, earthy taste and is amazing in this salad.

Dijon Brown Rice & Kasha Salad
½ cup kasha (prepared according to box)
½ cup brown rice (prepared according to box)
1 red bell pepper – diced
1 yellow bell pepper- diced
1 avocado – diced
3 green onions, sliced
1 large tomato, diced
½ cucumber, diced
½ cup walnuts (bite-sized pieces)

Dressing
¼ cup rice vinegar
½ TB Dijon mustard
1 tsp honey or maple syrup
½ tsp salt
½ tsp fresh ground pepper
2 cloves garlic- minced
¼ cup olive oil
(whisk together before pouring over salad)

Cook rice and kasha as directed on the package. Let cool for at least 1 hour. Add the rest of the ingredients. Pour dressing over the salad & mix well. Serve cold.

This serves about 8-10 people (or will make you tons of leftovers for lunches.) It’s great to bring to a family gathering and delicious. Someone always asks for the recipe. Enjoy!

Note: You can use any other veggies that you like, but the avocados, peppers, and nuts are very complimentary with the dressing.